What Are We Doing Here?

I ask myself that question more often than I care to admit – though I usually mean on this Earth rather than on a blog. In an attempt to deliver a more clear answer, I’m going to focus on the latter of those two for the time being. Why am I here, writing, and why should you stay, reading?

I’ve always felt a bit odd and out of place as I journey through my life. I took it as confirmation that my theory was right on the day that my mom confided in me that my dad always thought I was different from the rest of them. What does that even mean? There was no explanation, but I was different. Aren’t we all just a bit different, though?

This led to me spending a lot of time trying to cover up the parts that just didn’t seem to fit in. Anytime I was told I was “too” anything, I’d chip away at myself in an attempt to tone it down. The problem was, it felt like I only came in two volumes – too loud or too quiet. Too quiet could more easily get by undetected, undisturbed. So I spent too many years being far too quiet – not speaking against for the wrongs I saw, the wrongs I experienced.

I became so quiet, there were times I would forget how to speak. I would know all of the words that I wanted to scream out at the top of my lungs, but my throat would close and this strange paralysis washed over me, freezing my vocal cords. Have you ever had a moment like that where your body betrays you? They sneak up in the forms of panic attacks, Freudian slips, tripping over curbs, black outs, tics – do I need to keep going?

If you’re at all familiar with betrayal of this sort, you’ll know that it is absolutely maddening! If you’re familiar enough with it, you’ll know that constantly being betrayed by your own body makes it impossible to trust yourself. Which leads me to – if I can’t trust myself how the hell am I going to trust anyone else? So to compensate, I picked up behaviors that gave me a sense of control and I observed people enough that I’d be able to get a good read on them.

I figured out how to successfully hide my darkness from others and only let it out when I was alone. As you can imagine, this led to a lot of secret keeping, a lot of isolation. I felt like a child, sneaking a pet into school and enjoying having them tag along all day but wishing they could show someone, ANYONE, so they could share in the secret. But alas, the fear of consequences keeps them quiet, and they sneak a peak at their secret when they think no one is looking. That is what I’ve become, split in two, both the secret and the carrier.

The thing about secrets, though, is that they always come out in the end. Trudging through the hallway, through life, with my secret zipped up under my jacket, I let my guard down for just a moment and ran straight into this oddly familiar man – let’s call him Isaac. As I flailed to regain my balance, my secret fell to the ground in front of him. I expected to see him run, or hear a scream at least so I squeezed my eyes shut and covered my ears hoping to dodge his terror.

There were no muffled footsteps though. No half-heard screams. As I opened my eyes, Isaac knelt before my secret, inspecting it with awe. He looked to me for consent as he stretched his hands out and held my secret even more gently than I’ve seen the most fragile newborns be held. Dusting it off, he took care to protect it as he made sure I was okay then lovingly handed it back with the assurance that it’s beautiful and needn’t be hidden, only kept safe.

The thing about someone like Isaac is, they carry themselves with this confidence so powerful that you can’t stop it from rubbing off on you. So it was with Isaac’s approval of my secret that I finally realized maybe it’s time to show it off to the world. After all, I had been hanging on to it, keeping it safe for all of these years so that I could enjoy it in private. I certainly wouldn’t have done this if it wasn’t special. Maybe Isaac was right, maybe it’s special enough to be seen by the world. Maybe not everyone will understand or appreciate it’s beauty all of the time but if it’s kept tucked away, the ones that can will never get a chance to see it.

So here I am, uncovering my secret, unleashing me. I’ve spent a lot of time working on accepting and healing and I find that it’s not uncommon for other’s to find something relatable or helpful in my journey. So here I will be, pouring out my story, my journey, my lessons, my creations – in hopes of inspiring at least one person to let their secret out too because baby, it’s beautiful. I promise you.

There WILL BE sensitive and mature content throughout my posts! You will encounter talk of eating disorders, self harm, sexual abuse, emotional/mental abuse, promiscuity, addiction, suicide, violence, etc. Be mindful of this as you proceed if you are easily triggered! I will encourage you, however, to be mindful of the fact that the things that trigger us are often what we need to sit with the most. Facing these topics while you are in a safe space is where healing starts so I welcome you to come along, ask questions, accept and give support and maybe when all is said and done we can understand one another and ourselves just a little bit better!