From the Beginning

From time to time, I pause and ask myself where exactly this all started – this journey to healing. Sure, we’ve touched on Isaac’s role but truthfully, I can never conclusively decide on an answer. The question always takes me back to the first time I was sitting across from a psychic, though. At the time I wasn’t exactly sure where I stood on whether or not there was a world beyond what we perceive – the supernatural, if you will.

In my stubborn journey to always know the truth, I do my best not to shy away from new experiences. So, when a friend I hadn’t seen in months reached out with an invitation to accompany her on an hour and a half drive to go visit a medium that her coworker suggested to her, I didn’t hesitate in agreeing to go. I wasn’t sure what to expect and honestly didn’t even know what I had hoped for. Yet somehow, without even knowing them, the experience exceeded both my hopes and expectations.

I walked into that room feeling like I had been stagnant in my life. Nothing felt particularly wrong, but the only thing I was passionate about was the affair I was having with a married man(Isaac) and that just didn’t seem right. So I guess in a way I was hoping I would walk away from the psychic with some direction. When she hit the topic of my love life, she spoke a line that I still repeat in my head at least three times week – “The relationship that you’re in could work out, but it’s really not what’s meant for you”.

Vague, I know. You’re all squirming in your seats asking if I REALLY let such a vague statement by a stranger in a small Ohio town dictate the way I moved for ward in life. Yes, I did. You see, vague or not, that statement gave me confirmation that IT COULD WORK! I had asked myself that question for years. Could this man, who in my eyes was clearly too good for me but perhaps that was just the idealization speaking, work with me long term?

It was, and is to this day, the situation that worked the best for me. No, I didn’t want to steal him away. I enjoyed that his “real life” obligations kept him busy enough that he couldn’t ask for more from me than what I had to give. We had just enough interaction that I felt supported, loved, cared about and wanted. At the time, being a single mom that was both working and going to school full time it seemed like the only thing that could possibly make sense for me.

Then slowly I realized it wasn’t just school and it wasn’t just work that made me want a relationship with such minimal “us” time – it was me. I love short but intense periods of extreme closeness. It would reignite my passion, my excitement for life and then I’d go burn up that energy in the areas of life that called for it. It’s almost like how with an addiction, your fix is getting you through and you can’t imagine not having it.

So in the moment that she told me that it wasn’t really meant for me, something finally clicked back into place. Of course it COULD work, because I had become such a self sacrificing person that I was giving things up constantly simply to maintain the familiarity. And of course it wasn’t for me – no one should life waiting for there next fix of anything. I had to make that decision though. I had to start allowing only what is meant for me. That decision is exactly where the journey starts.

In this blog, I’ll document what life looks like as I step into being unapologetically me, accepting what is for me and turning away what is not, and trusting that what is meant for me will find it’s what to me. Sometimes it’s a rollercoaster but it’s usually one full of laughs, lessons and growth – stick around for the ride!