What’s in the Dark?

“We don’t expect a surgeon to have shame in sharing the same tools as a killer…”

So I must confess as I make this reference that I’ve never really seen all of Star Wars but, we’ve all heard of the dark side, right? “Come to the dark side”, as memes, advertisements and jokes of all sorts. As people we have a tendency to embrace it in this form, as humor, but suppress it in ourselves and pretend it’s not there. As if the duality of light and dark only applies to things that aren’t us. The thing is, anytime you try to push something down, it’s going to push back.

I relate to those suppressed parts. Every time I’m told no, my mind immediately starts thinking for a way around it or a way to turn that no into a yes. When I tell my son “No, we can’t go to the candy store later.” and he says “Well how about maybe?”, I try to make my no extra firm so he understands that a clear no isn’t always a bad thing. It’s good to know limits. Sometimes I cave, though, wanting the possibility myself “Sure, bud. Maybe”. I know it’s not great for either of us, it’s something I’m working on.

Sometimes when I know someone’s going to be mad at me, the people pleaser in me partners up with the manipulator and they conjure up a plan to avoid the upset. I like secrets. I think they’re fun and exciting, intimate and trust building in the right circumstances. Revenge feels delicious and I try so hard not to partake anymore, but there were times I have done some pretty messed up stuff in the name of it. Sometimes, I miss it.

We all have complex and contrasting negatives for every positive we have. We find ourselves in accepting all of them and discovering a balance that allows us to make healthy decisions that don’t hurt ourselves or other people but that also don’t ignore any of our parts. It’s not the parts themselves that are bad, it’s the wrong ways they get put to use. That manipulator that I’m ashamed of if it sneaks out at the wrong time, can also get me out of situations where people are taking advantage of me. Realizing that helped me learn to love that piece that I was so afraid for people to find out about.

Each time I discover a new shadow in myself, I try to take the time to get to know it now rather than ignore it. I learn about the role it has played in the moments leading up to now, and I find ways we can peacefully integrate it into the future. Sometimes I can find where along the journey that part of me developed and understand it a little bit better, and sometimes I have to just accept that it’s okay to not always know.

I spend a lot of time trying to show people that there is power in loving the parts of ourselves that we long thought needed to stay hidden. I think it’s one of the most important things we can do for both ourselves and other people – to love without judgment, not ignoring flaws but acknowledging the ways they can be strengths when given the proper attention. It’s easy to run from people when we see that parts of them have done damage in the past, but I like the challenge that comes with sitting beside them and unpacking.

I remember the first time I learned the strategy that now allows me to overpack. Don’t just fold your clothes and throw them into your suitcase haphazardly. Strategically fold and roll each item. Tuck small items into crevices, into gaps between other items. Maximize your space by appreciating and taking advantage of just how much is there rather than ignoring those little gaps for opportunity hiding in the corners. It wasn’t until my ex-girlfriend acted in awe as she watched me condense all of the contents of what looked like an over-flowing storage unit into half of the space so we could fit more in there, that I realized that maybe not everyone sees the simplicity and puzzle-like nature of everything, though.

The positives of the manipulator continue as I start to see the role it plays in allowing me to see how to shift things into place. In this way, it allows me to connect with people rather than putting a wedge between myself and others. If they invite it, I can point out the shifts they may be missing – help connect the dots. I can offer up perspective on what may be a more efficient way to repack – what might afford them more room to grow. And as I go through this process with someone, it allows me to grow.

There’s a peace and empowerment that comes with accepting the parts of yourself that you had been taught were bad and shouldn’t be seen. If you’re someone that’s quick to spot connections you may have noticed that as you’re sitting there watching your favorite series on Netflix, the serial killers and doctors, or surgeons, are often spotted using many of the same tools. Scalpel, check. Chisel, check. Saw, check. That cool, collected, work well under pressure detachment that I imagine one must possess if they’re going to cut into other human’s while they’re still alive, check. They built different lives, though – wrote different movies for themselves. We don’t expect a surgeon to have shame in sharing the same tools as a killer, though, because we see that the surgeon does good. You don’t need to have shame in what parts you’re comprised of – you just need to decide how to use them.

I find comfort in knowing how much power a good plot twist can have in a story. Each page is a fresh start to rewrite things. Each day is a new start to turn things around and use my tools different. That part of me that hates hearing the word no, it’s the part of me that loves possibility – that loves to believe that a single moment can change everything. It’s both the part that makes life so challenging because I feel a constant need to push back, and the part that makes life feel so magical and limitless because you never know what the next moment will hold.

Allow yourself to be fully you. Sit with your shadows and see what powers they hold. If you can’t do it alone right now but want to get started, reach out to me and let me help you in that journey.

Much love, until next time.