Learn Your Learning Process

As I try to explain what, to me, is a simple math concept after my son gets a problem wrong, I watch frustration wash over my 8-year-old’s face. His little hands clamp into fits, his teeth clenched, and a small growl ripples out as he struggles to accept or even acknowledge, that the way he thought something worked wasn’t entirely accurate. Just take a deep breath, bud. I relate to his level of frustration. Learning, when you thought you already understood, is a unique challenge.

I try to remind myself, often, that we are continually growing. Periodically, I’ll think about how science updates their answers as they discover new information. If you’re too rigid and you don’t allow for adaptability, you will quickly become outdated. There is not point in grasping on to a conclusion that was formed from incomplete data. Similarly, as you learn more about yourself, your views of yourself and the conclusions you draw will change.

Allowing myself to change has been an ongoing struggle. I will often let the change happen internally, but I am continually combating the changes attempts to surface and present themselves to the rest of the world. It’s as if somewhere inside of myself, I’m hanging on to this idea that it’s more important to fit the version of me that people expect to see than it is to reveal my authentic self. This is where the war starts, because I desperately need the part of me that holds onto that belief to die.

Some of the people that I’ve gotten the closest to would see the changes as they happened. A new situation, new experience, would highlight a part of me that I was keeping in the dark or avoiding. As my excitement built over the experience, I’d use that positive energy to let myself love that hidden part and show that it too has a place. I would grow and there would be a shift in me as I learn to reincorporate the piece into my whole.

They would point out the change. “Sometimes it seems like you’re a different person, like you have different personalities.” The first time I laughed it off, not really understanding what Isaac was referring to when he said it. The next time someone got close and made the same statement, I didn’t find it as funny as I did curious. I briefly tried convincing my therapist of the possibility to which she told me that if I had different personalities, it likely would have become apparent in the last few years we had been working together. Fair point.

I started considering what else could be going on that is looking like a change in personalities from the outside looking in. A feeling or mood would sweep over me and I would feel it intensely. With the feeling would come a need to pause and allow for understanding. I always look at sudden shifts like that as indicators – something is up and I need to step back and allow myself to look at the big picture to see what is there.

I start slowly pulling back in any area of my life that I can, and I turn on observation mode. I stay loving but become distant. It’s important to know when we don’t have the extra energy to pour into loving up close because we need a little bit extra for ourselves. A sudden need for increased privacy kicks in, as if preparing for a security breach. I’ve noticed that as I expend more energy – whether it be through action, thought, etc. – I become much more prone to the will of other’s. My tendency to say yes to what is not in my best interest increases.

I kick into withdrawal mode as a safety feature, to avoid having the confrontations where I would have to say no. Sometimes this will go on for days, other times it has been weeks. It doesn’t feel like the depression that it looks like from the outside – it’s simply a need for solitude. One day, I’ll be going about my daily activities and it will hit – an idea, a thought, a realization, whatever it is that I had been waiting to discover. I’ll spend some time getting acquainted with it before feeling prepared to reemerge into the world.

When I’m ready, I step back into the world proudly show casing my new discovery to whoever feels safe, anyone that can be trusted. Each of these modes comes with a different set of behaviors, varying attitudes, changes in demeanor. Everything always feels so intense and if my guard is down, the feelings display equally as intensely.

I know, this sounds an awful lot like there’s a disorder behind it. Maybe there is. Does it matter though? I find that there is more power in spending the time to get to know myself, as an individual, and trust that I can learn to work with myself than there is in learning a label and trying to work with it. As soon as someone pulls me aside to tell me who I am, what I am, the new way I’ll be identifying – it’s as if everything in me starts scrambling to figure out how I’m going to follow all of the rules of this new role. It is in that moment where I either choose to adapt or to run. Now, almost always, I run.

I’m hoping, someday, I find the courage to stand in place and proudly shout back, “No, that’s not who I am. I understand that you think I’ve checked all of the boxes, but I don’t think we have all of the information. I’m not sure we’ve gathered enough data to form a conclusion. I don’t think this is even your conclusion to draw!” I hoping, someday, I find the courage to trust what I already know. Until then, I remind myself that we all walk a different path. We all learn, experience, and love in different ways. No one else will be able to tell you which way is best for you, they can only share what works for them and let you try it on. And sometimes, the process of finding your best is frustrating, but it’s worth it.

Much love, until next time.