Want

Do you think that if a person hears the phrase “we don’t always get what we want” enough times in their life, they start believing their wants are irrelevant in the way the world works? I’m considering the possibility that that exact scenario is what contributes to why when someone turns to me and asks what I want, I simply shrug. Now, even when I’m alone and I ask myself what I want there are times when I can’t help but shrug. If not that scenario then there is one in my story somewhere that engrained just a little too deeply that wanting won’t get you anywhere.

Awareness is the first step in rewriting that belief. It started when I realized that I want to want, desperately. I believe that wanting can be a driving force or it can be a pit of sorrow, it’s your choice. I like a good challenge so I let my want always pull me into fighting toward having. The thing is, that only works when I find my want. As someone who has picked up the habit of people-pleasing as a means to survive and is in the process of trying to relearn a different relationship with it now that she’s trying to thrive, pulling away and turning inward tends to be my way back into wanting. I become prone to influence when I’m surrounded by people and I love to give a fair chance so I’m known to not always be selective enough about what people I let around – a combination that periodically leads to total isolation to recenter.

Sometimes when I have headphones in and I’m struggling to decide on a song, I feel this nudge from someplace inside me that the sound is drowning my want. Dissatisfaction with the constant stream of influence, a craving for self-trust to guide our next steps. If this nudge is ignored, it quickly escalates into anger and sensory overload.

I unplug. I remove anything that feels restrictive. I let my hair out of the bun that was already drooping out of place. I take off my glasses. I sit. I breathe.

I used to try to keep still, focus only on my breathing, and sit in the proper position. I’m not even sure what that means now. Now, I listen to my body. Sometimes it changes the pattern of my breath, sometimes it pulls me slowly into a different position, and always it guides me to exactly the point I need to be at. Relaxed, maybe not how I “should” be but that’s a loaded word. When my eyes are closed and my body just is, the sun feels a little bit warmer on my forehead than it ever has before. I don’t realize that I’m not at all focused on my breathing but I am so confident that I don’t need to be. This feeling sets my body into autopilot, finally able to take control and do as it’s supposed to. My mind drifts or shuts off, I’m not sure which. All I know is that it’s not providing its constant interruptions. Me? I just am. Here. Connected. Loving. In this moment.

I trust that I’ve sat with this everything and nothing long enough when my wants start creeping back to me, nagging to speak. The silence had cleared everyone’s will and it’s time to tend to my want. I’m digging deep and getting acquainted with what I want. Yeah, maybe when I reemerge things will get a little bit muddled again but that’s where the importance of stepping back and rediscovering my want comes in. The coolest part? I find it’s always changing.

Maybe, if I held it too close and stayed too fixated on how I was going to get to it, I wouldn’t give room for it to grow and evolve into more than I could possibly imagine as I learn that I’m capable of achieving more than I can possibly imagine. So what do you want? Are you letting yourself imagine? You can’t create without room for imagination.

Much love, until next time.