Connected

Growing up, math was the subject I excelled in. The patterns were easy for me to pick up on but I always got scolded for not “following the rules” of how we were being taught to figure it out. My brain would jump right to the answer. My therapist pats me on the back, telling me I have so much self-awareness, especially for someone so young. The patterns of why I’m doing what I’m doing just seem to scream at me and then I start to notice them in other people. Now if only I could figure out what to do with the pattern so it doesn’t keep repeating. It’s not uncommon when I meet a person for me to understand, almost immediately, what we’re going to learn from each other. If you pay attention, you notice what parts of yourself someone pulls to the front and you see what parts of them they reluctantly show, testing the waters to see if it’s safe.

With the way our world works, though, even if you see the patterns you’re still expected to go about things the socially acceptable way. We have an order for things in this world. Do you ever catch yourself thinking that the order seems to make less and less sense the more you learn about it? I sure do. My aversion to the rules has far less to do with a desire to be defiant than it does trusting that the way I’m being told to do something is not the best way. I’ve caught on to the pattern and I’m ready to break it.

At the bar the other night, my mom and I were making jokes about how we’re both private people and don’t like giving others too much information about our lives. My dad turned to my mom and says “Oh, so you’re the reason she doesn’t talk about what’s going on”. I chuckled through the hole my teeth were forming in my tongue as I thought back to my dad telling me, as I was teetering on the edge of a cliff, that some things about us are just so dark that we push them down and bury them and don’t let anyone see. He told me that’s just how life goes, push it down and keep pushing on.

Making my coffee this morning, the incident popped into my head and this time a deep sigh replaced my chuckle as I recalled one of the only times I ever watched my dad cry. His fear was surfacing as he begged me to keep a secret from my mom because what if when she found out, she left him? That’s a lot of weight for a child to hold, even at 21, so I let his tears drown me into silence. I took on his fear and let it become my own burden, my own reason to stay silent.

Now mind you, this isn’t a moment for shaming but it is certainly an opportunity to acknowledge a pattern. It is often so much easier to see our own demons in others. I believe that statement so strongly that when I watched a man’s eyes go black while he was inside of me, I first paused for a moment to question what evil I’ve been keeping. So as you point at someone else, casting blame, even in jest, take a moment to pause.

In the same way that we all have the same basic body parts, we have the same basic components inside of us too. The ones that become problematic are typically only so because they are suppressed, ignored. So dig deep, are you pointing fingers because you’re watching someone own a part of themselves that you’ve been taught to hide? Perhaps instead of casting judgment, you can use this as an opportunity to let your own out. Accepting ourselves, fully, is one of those things that you have to have a leap of faith and lean into. Over time you see that no one is as harsh with those hidden parts of yourself as you are. If anything people will start looking to you to find encouragement to love themselves fully too.

As we see that the same patterns that piece us together exist in those around us, we can lean into understanding that we’re all connected. We can all help unlock parts of each other simply by being loving and accepting. We can unlock parts of ourselves by being courageous and vulnerable.

I don’t know about you but I don’t want to die all locked up and never seen. I keep telling myself that this is why I lean so heavily into building connections with people. I see that they’re the key. Being private, keeping things to myself doesn’t mean that I’m in this alone or even that I think I am. The thing is, not every key is made for every door. When you know your key won’t fit, you can appreciate the door’s beauty and uniqueness without feeling the need to see if you can open it, just in case. When you know your key won’t fit, you don’t need to snap it in have trying to pry the lock open.

Much love, until next time.