As my face contorts and you ask what I’m thinking, I’ll tell you “I don’t know”. Likely at this point, you assume that there’s something I’m trying to cover, to hide. That’s not the case – it’s just that my thoughts don’t always come in words so much as they come in waves of feeling and knowing. If you’ve ever tried to contain an intense wave into something as limiting as words, hell if you’ve tried to contain an intense wave in anything, you would know how frivolous an effort that becomes.
These waves of emotion and knowing are why some days I feel it incredibly essential to pick up a paintbrush, put on some music, and see what comes out rather than sit down to write. Some days simply require a little more movement, a little more flow to ride the wave. There are some things that simply can’t be put into words because I’m certain that if they are, their meaning will be lost in translation.
I think about the way a friend of mine tried to explain the phrase “Taco de ojo” and the context in which it’s used. “It gets a little bit lost when you translate the words to English. ‘Eye tacos’ just ends up sounding a little weird.” That’s what I feel happens to my thoughts when I try to explain them. Words are a far different language than feeling and sometimes there’s just no way to accurately explain the sentiment.
Ironically, my inability to find words for my thoughts is exactly what leads me to write. If I have a challenging message to give, it is almost always coming in the form of a letter or an email. Any platform that allows me to give an uninterrupted explanation, usually with a warning that I’m not sure how to explain what I feel but that I’m going to try. I almost always use five times more words than necessary. Maybe if I write too much they’ll see that I’m feeling too much. I wonder sometimes if I get enough words out, maybe I’ll arrive at a simpler way to say it.
I keep trying because I think there’s something there that desperately needs to be understood, I’m just not sure what. I overshare personal stories and information thinking that maybe if I talk enough, I’ll catch myself off-guard and let something that actually matters slip out. Maybe it’s just like finding your lost keys – they’re going to pop up the moment you stop looking. What if I’ve just been trying too hard?
The problem is, when I go too long without sharing the words that seem necessary to say even if they don’t feel like the right ones, the waves get a touch too intense for my liking. My mouth becomes a dam, blocking the feelings from turning into words and pouring out. Eventually, the pressure becomes too much to withstand, and the dam breaks. I’m not sure if you’ve ever watched a dam collapse as the water takes over but it’s not a gentle process. When I get to that point my words become a lot more destructive than they would have been having I not tried to keep them locked up.
I’ve grown tired of building only to tear back down – kicking over my own block tower time and time again. So I’m working on being more intentional about making sure I’m putting things into words whenever possible. Clearly speaking what we mean gives little room for misunderstanding and if I set aside my urge to tiptoe when I go to express myself, I won’t have to talk circles in an attempt to over-explain without ever really saying what I mean. The cleared I get on what I want, and the more I trust myself to know that, the more the words seem to find themselves, and then it’s simply a matter of letting them come out.
Much love, until next time.
Madeline May I... 