Driving

“Women are bad drivers. I hate to say it, sounds sexist, but they are.”

We teach our children from a very early age to look to the outside to figure out what to do. Sure, we can say this is how learning happens. You have to pick things up from somewhere, right? Not everything needs to be learned, though. Of course, teach me math because 2 plus 2 will always be four. Don’t you for a second think you need to teach me how to smile, or the proper way to walk or sit, the right words to respond with, the appropriate way to be brave, when to stay silent, how long to make eye contact, or anything else that I can already trust my body to get me through. Those things don’t need to look the same from person to person and there is no reason that they should.

I remember reading “The Giver” in middle school. It seemed bizarre, far-fetched. How could you possibly convince people to live like that? Sometime within the last two years, I saw it on the shelf at a used book store and had this overwhelming urge to buy it. My girlfriend at the time liked to read out loud, practice to compensate for the way the public school system let her down with their one-size-fits-all approach, so I asked her if she wanted to start it with me.

We’d take turns reading it to each other. She’d thank me for having the patience to do this with her but I loved it far more than I let on. There’s nothing like someone being vulnerable with you and showing off their insecure parts so that they can grow through it. You see, what we all have in common is that we do all have those points of insecurity, areas that need to be nurtured. We differ, though, in both what those specific things are and our willingness to find the courage to face them.

This time, working my way through the story, it didn’t seem nearly as far-fetched as the first time around. I started looking around and seeing the way we are always looking for something to follow, something to be like. I will grant that many of us don’t seem to like choices being directly made for us but at the same time we follow right along if it is cloaked in a pleasant enough disguise. Any kind of trend, for instance. The way we are changing as we try it on is not being directed from within ourselves but driven by a desire to fit in with what’s going on around us. Everyone feels the need to have the same stuff because they saw it somewhere else.

When I spent a brief chunk of time selling Pure Romance products, during one of the morning meetings the CEO was talking about how you shouldn’t try to be just like anyone that you look up to. You’re unique, it will never work. I stopped selling shortly after – maybe that was all I needed to take from the experience. It won’t work, yet we try in just about every area of our lives. We look to others for parenting advice, so sure that everyone but us knows the “right” way to do it. I have googled “how do I get my oil changed” as if it was up for question that I needed to go to the shop, tell them I need my oil changed, and go from there. Even after confirming my suspicions, that it was really that easy, I panicked and taught myself how to change my own oil instead.

Every time I say we it’s a little leap of faith that I’m not alone in experiences like these. I’m still working on breaking my look-to-the-outside habit. I think of Isaac calling me on his drive to pick up food. Talk about aggressive driving – “YOU MOTHER F*CKER! LEARN TO DRIVE! I bet it’s a woman! Women are bad drivers. I hate to say it, sounds sexist, but they are”. I chuckle a little bit, mostly because I can acknowledge that that statement is true about myself, at least when someone is around. Yeah, sounds sexist. I wouldn’t say it makes me like you less but you are definitely not showing your best right now. I’m not going to tell you though. I’ve only ever liked to build your ego, never ding it.

Now, months later, I find myself wanting to call you up and tell you that women are bad drivers because good driving requires confident action. Since when have we taught our women, our daughters, to act confidently and trust what they know? I know, some people do, but largely we’ve taught them to be agreeable, kind, loving, generous, put everyone before themselves, fit in, don’t be too loud or strong, etc. So yes, put a woman behind the wheel and her learned tendency to doubt her gut are going to kick in there too. We are past the point of getting to pick and choose when they show up.

So when someone is beside me and I know I’m under observation – I AM A SHIT DRIVER. I am wondering what they’re thinking – about my driving, my music choice, my inability to hold a conversation. Now put me behind the wheel alone, put me anywhere without observation, and I thrive. I know how to trust myself when no one is watching because in those moments I have no one to look to or consider but myself. What if we approached life this way even when people are watching?

On an impulsive trip to Lake Erie, I was on the verge of peeing my pants when I pulled into a rest stop just in time. I ran out of my car, into the rain, straight to the bathroom and when I came back out, the cool air and raindrops paired with the relief of pressure in my bladder had me feeling elated. I wandered down to the water to enjoy the view for a moment before I finished my drive. Popping my headphones in, I gave a quick glance around confirming a lack of observers before I started to twirl. Movie moments. Dance in the rain. Check!

Heading back to my car, I was stopped by a man in a car that I hadn’t seen until just now. “Hey! Not to be weird but I just wanted to say that I had been watching you and that was really cool and gave me a big smile!” How am I blushing, smiling, cringing, shocked, confused, laughing, and devastated all at once? After thanking him and wishing him well, I headed back to my car to finish up my drive and realized that it’s not even the observation that becomes a hindrance but the way I let it affect my actions. What if I stop considering the audience and just put on the performance that I intended? Let’s see what happens. What if we each did? Could you imagine how many beautiful stories could be told?

Much love, until next time.