No, Tempation!

I have long claimed that I am lacking in the self-control department. Almost in a way that I’d wear it like a badge, excusing me for my bad decisions. What does it say about me if I’m biting back a cop joke on that one? It seems to be in our nature, humans – not exclusively cop, to look for a ticket out of consequence and then accept it with the reasoning that it wouldn’t have been offered if it wasn’t ours to take.

For years, if an opportunity was placed in front of me I would pounce before considering. Anything and everything was simply too tempting to pass up. This happened with food, sexual encounters, buying new “stuff”, experiences, and the list could go on. What happened is I spent a lot of time trying on a lot of things that did not serve my life and ultimately just ended up leaving me confused.

Temptation can be a particularly dangerous thing for me. The excitement that it carries tends to lure me in much faster than I’d care to admit, especially if I’m left unchecked. My excitement gets tied to newness, to experience, and just about anything that pops up, I can find a way to fit into those categories to justify it. The more time I spend trying to catch myself in the justification stage, the more I realize just how much I do it in an attempt to go against what I know in favor of what feels good.

Usually, when I catch myself, I run. I’m still learning to sit within arms reach of temptation and not give in, but there have certainly been victories in that department. I’ve managed to say “no” more in the last two months than I had in the two years leading up to it. Nowadays when I say it, I try to stay a little bit closer each time, just to see what happens. I can’t help but wonder if this is how arsonists feel. An act of rebellion followed by hanging back in the crowd to watch the events unfold – they always go a bit differently than you would have imagined.

I take my love for challenging and slightly uncomfortable situations and use that to drive myself through the refusals. While the me that used to be would have given an immediate yes in hopes of not missing out on something and justifying the anxiety and discomfort that would ensue as a “step towards growth”, the me that is becoming understands that the growth-based discomfort that I should be seeking comes from having the courage to say no and not allow wondering what if to take over.

Maybe it sounds silly but when the what-ifs creep in and I think they might talk me out of my unwavering no, I tell them that somewhere in another universe, they are meant to me. They’re becoming true, just not in this one. So when Isaac turns to me and says “When we’re together it’s like we’re in our own universe. Then when we’re apart we can go back into the universe with everyone else – so it’s separate. Nothing to feel bad about, nobody has to know.”, it’s almost like he knows that universe talk will get to me. Could that be possible? Could we leave the universe behind for just a little bit and go to our own? Again, it’s almost like he knows a movie moment appeal will get to me.

I have to pull myself back and correct the situation. For some people this might look like getting serious, a glare even. For me? Laughter. Uncontrollable. I let out whatever energy is bottling up as a stream of laughter and behind it, I find the knowing that I needed. “No, I can’t do that.” It’s the only thing I can say that you’ll understand. What do I want to tell you? The universe will know and that’s not something I’m willing to risk. I’ll know, and I already know this isn’t for me. I can’t trust people if I can’t be trustworthy to people. I don’t want dishonesty reflected back to me, so no.

If you had told me 6 years ago, during the time of our relationship where I would call off of work for a week just to spend it in bed with Isaac, I wouldn’t have believed telling him no would happen let alone come with follow-through. Proud is the most accurate way to describe how I feel towards myself. Again, maybe this sounds silly, but it kind of feels like the universe is proud too. Authenticity only comes when we start honoring what we know is best for us rather than taking the easy lean into temptation.

I’m shifting. I’m no longer going to say that I don’t have self-control. Clearly, I do. We all do if we’ll allow it to step up to the plate. Now, I’m going to say that it only takes a little bit of encouragement to get me to do something, so long as it’s for me. I’m still working on figuring out exactly what is “for me” but change usually starts with what we’re telling ourselves. I’m telling myself temptation should change its name because it’s got nothing on me. Let’s see if that makes the nos a little bit easier.

Much love, until next time.