Grow-up

I think it’s safe to say that we all remember thinking that one day we were going to wake up and finally feel like things were in place – like we’ve finally figured out how to do it right. I’ve heard a lot of people mark 30 that age and that’s a hard one for me to speak on because I haven’t quite made it yet so I’m lacking in the personal experience department. What I can tell you without bullshitting you too much, though, is that I’ve met plenty of people in the 30 and up range that can vouch that whoever thought that was the age got it wrong. They hadn’t been there yet.

Arguably, at this point, my life probably looks like a little bit of a disaster from the outside looking in. I don’t have a steady job, I do gig work. I am a single mom, never doing as well at that as all of the books, magazines, and movies make you think you should be. I have a troubling amount of debt created by learning boundaries the hard way, and I can’t quite afford to tackle it yet. I cry at least five days a week, sometimes over something as seemingly inconsequential as seeing a horse being pulled in a trailer. I don’t have a ton of friends, am not part of the PTA, go to the bar every Friday night, let my kid say “fuck” because I think it’s important to know the time and place for everything. To an observer, I am a mess.

Rewind to the last time I felt like an outsider would tell me I was doing things right. I’ll say it was maybe a year and a half ago? Think pre-pandemic. Sure, everyone’s life went a little crazy when that started though, right? Certainly, that has to be an easy out for me. I was working my way up the line in the job that I had been at for over two years. Writing my own schedule let me balance being a more present mom and I focused on work and my son with little time for emotional connections otherwise. I had my priorities in order, at least in terms of societal expectations.

The flaw of the outsider perspective, however, is it leaves little room for truth. It’s only telling you half the story and it’s often only the half someone wants you to see. The outsider wouldn’t have seen the bottle of Xanax in my purse and the way I would sneak away to pop another one in my mouth even though I knew full well that the last two I took already had me feeling plenty calm. Somehow it became less about managing the anxiety and became more about staying numb enough that I’d make it through the day without remembering. To an outsider, if you saw the bottle, I’d tell you my anxiety had just gotten really bad and I was seeking help and that I’m still in the trial and error stage with dosing so sometimes I need to take an extra. That is how it started, after all. I just wasn’t realizing the help I needed was simply to listen to myself.

I’m starting to believe that all growing up really is, is accepting that the outsider perspective doesn’t count for shit. No one actually knows how to be doing it the right way but everyone will point fingers to tell you that you’re doing it wrong. We’re all taking the trial and error approach, though.

So while my life looks the messiest it ever has, from the outside, I can say I’m honestly the happiest I’ve ever been. I am the most myself that I can ever remember being and I think that’s growing up. Digging through the bullshit to find yourself and showing them proudly, rather than trying on whoever the world wants you to be. We are all messy beneath the facade and that’s where the real beauty is.

This morning when I woke up far earlier than planned next to the guy I’ve been seeing for a few weeks now, habit told me to stay in bed silently. Me of the past would try not to move too much, not make too much sound, stay in bed as long as he does. Follow his lead, follow someone else’s lead, always. I wanted to be agreeable so bad that I spent a lot of time waiting to see what someone else was going to do before I acted. So while habit told me to stay in bed, knowing told me I needed to get up and move around so I didn’t feel crappy for laying there doing nothing. Knowing told me it was time to write.

My tummy was in knots but I took the leap and I listened to knowing. I’m not someone that waits around to follow someone’s lead anymore and I’m willing to prove it. I know what I want, what I need, and I’m willing to go after it. It’s been about two and a half hours since I got out of bed. I kept the door cracked because I want to know he’s there, and his snores creeping through the opened bedroom door remind me of that without me sitting there waiting. Two and a half hours, he’s still snoring. I would have driven myself mad waiting.

I think this is growing up. It’s not ever reaching a moment where everything is in place but accepting that everything, including yourself, will forever be changing and that’s the beauty of life. It’s understanding that your actions needn’t be determined by the expectations of others but led from within. It’s breaking habits when you realize they don’t serve you and you see a better way of doing things. I wouldn’t say I’m a grown-up, it just doesn’t feel right, but as I’m growing up I’m realizing the best thing I can do is to never expect myself to ever feel like a grown-up. I did that for a while and I never want to lose my sense of awe towards the simplicity of living ever again.

Much love, until next time.