I wouldn’t call myself a commitment-phobe but had I let the issue go just a little bit longer without addressing it, that’s likely where I would have ended up – scared. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still scared but this is the manageable fear I want to lean into rather than debilitating fear shutting me down. Before I realized the dangers of, even jokingly, assigning toxic traits to entire genders I used to say I was the boy in relationships.
As I grew into myself, I realized that what I meant is simply that my trauma has taught me to suppress my emotions in the same way that we teach many boys in our society not to show theirs. That’s not a role we need anyone to fill in life, let alone a relationship, so I stopped saying it and started realizing that me is the only thing I need to be in a relationship.
That shift in thinking is the same shift that has helped me be more gentle with myself for the role romantic relationships have played in my life. I realize each person I’ve encountered, dated, help me learn how to be a little more me. Each time an insecurity surfaced that I made myself push through and overcome before accepting that some people are only meant to be there temporarily and I don’t want to stall my progress just to keep them around.
Before deciding I wasn’t going to try on the label of commitment-phobe anymore, I joked that the only way to get me into a relationship was to not let me know that’s what it was. Friends and sex? Sure, I can do that. Titles and vocalizing emotions, though? You just might see me run and it takes a lot to make me willing to jiggle that much.
I stopped saying that one when someone I spent a semester of college hanging out with between and after classes reached out for me sometime later, apologizing that things never worked out between us. I’m not sure if I told him that they didn’t work out because only one of us knew we were dating, him, but I definitely thought it. Now I share that story on first dates hoping someone picks up on the fact that I need them to clearly explain to me what is going on otherwise there is no way I’m going to see it.
As I near two months into my current relationship, it hits me that I never shared that story and it sounds silly but I’m so proud of that fact. The truth is, there were times that I considered it. During the stretch of time where I considered that “this should be a regular thing” referred only to the sexual component of the previous night, I almost spit my beer out on a woman that referred to me as her nephew’s girlfriend.
I was sure that was the moment I needed to tell the story but I bit my tongue. I looked to his reaction, and when I found an unphased expression, well, I’d like to say I calmed down but the truth is I chugged my beer and bee-lined for the bathroom. Looking in the mirror, my mind drifted – Girlfriend. How is a girlfriend supposed to act? Am I even doing it right? I wish someone would have told me so I’d know how to behave.
When I explained this story to my therapist and tell her that in that moment, something happened and I realized I didn’t need to know exactly what was going on to realize that I was happy with what was going on, she just smiled. “Maybe this is an opportunity to try on a new way of being a girlfriend. Maybe it’s one where you don’t have to try so hard to be.” I consider that statement and I like it so I decide to lean in.
Weeks after the initial lean, I’m finding myself trying to work up the courage to ask for the company to a family dinner, two hours from home. For the silent, agreeable version of me that used to barge in unexpectedly anytime, I found myself wanting anything, this request is terrifying. I spent a week trying to picture myself introducing him to all of these people that I barely knew but felt like I should. Do I call him my boyfriend? Do I say his name first? Don’t you think ‘my boyfriend’ sounds a little presumptuous?
My courage to ask only extended to text and took until two days before the party to surface, but that was sufficient for me. That was more courage to voice what I want than I’ve ever had before so it is a step towards shouting it from the rooftops, I’ll take it. Agreement came with a “definitely” and I fought the urge to ask if he was sure, to offer a warning – another proud moment. I didn’t want to collect too many all at once so, I asked my mom to introduce us to everyone. She didn’t.
I spent the evening awkwardly introducing him by name if I managed to initiate an introduction at all. Between them, I’d apologize and explain that I was just really awkward and uncomfortable and wasn’t quite sure how to navigate this situation.
As we sat watching everyone, my mind leafs through my past relationships like the documents of a filing cabinet. Each time passing one, I catch evidence of how its lessons have brought me right to this moment. I never before would have been that transparent about what I was experiencing as it was happening. Growth. We’ve got this.
The next time we get up to go out and smoke, we walk past my aunt. I haven’t made this introduction yet. I take a deep breath, turn off my thoughts and mix the word “boyfriend” into the sentence. Why did I think it was going to be so much harder than that? Sometimes, we just need to take a deep breath, turn off our thoughts and take the plunge.
Much love, until next time.
Madeline May I... 