Oh, So This is Why People Love Their Uncles.

Family dynamics have always confused me more than I tend to let on. Honestly, there are a lot of basic things that leave me puzzled in similar ways. In moments of dissociation, I leave myself feeling even crazier as I recall all of these things and ask why I’m so caught off guard by simple human function and traditions. Immediately I start calling into question my humanness rather than considering that maybe my experiences just left a different taste in my mouth, a varied perspective to work with.

I know that when I was very young, we would have big holiday dinners with family. The details are a blur but I remember lots of people at my aunt and uncle’s house, or sometimes going for the long drive up to visit our grandparents. As I got older, fights separated these things and extended family faded. Whether it was distance or words in between us, everyone was just too far away to feel close to them so I stopped trying.

What became rare visits to family were filled with discomfort as I tried to remember how I was supposed to act towards them. My grandmother, probably playfully, told me not to hug her husband once a day when saying goodbye and it set the discomfort into overdrive as I tried to understand how to shift the old learned dynamics to accommodate it. I stopped showing men affection, whenever possible, for a while when that experience still had a hold on me.

I was an adult when I found out I had a new family and I was so excited, for my dad. I say I was an adult when I found out I had a new family but he was an adult when he was found by a long-lost family. What I was feel was hard to wrap my mind around but I was so sure that it had to be harder on him that I kept it quiet and smiled as I showed up for him.

A few new-family gatherings later, I’m not sure if I was really upset about the situation or if I just needed some time away to process everything I had been feeling for the 26 years leading up to that moment but I saw an out and I took it. I let a comment hit me harder than it needed to and I forced it down to start a wedge, just like I had seen done in my family so many times already.

I have since started digging the wedge out but it’s tough when I know it’s going to unleash a flood of feelings when it’s finally dislodged. Reemerging into the family has come with meeting some more new-family that I had missed before my falling-out. At the most recent family gathering, I met my dad’s uncle at the bar the night before.

“I’m kind of the black sheep of the family.”, wasn’t the immediate introduction but it was within the first five minutes so it counts. You might just be my favorite member of the family. I’m not sure why but I can tell already. It didn’t take long before we were doing shots together and talking about how sometimes the best thing you can do is step away and find your own way rather than falling into one you don’t like. There it is, I knew I’d like you.

I really thought I couldn’t figure out how to act when it came to family dynamics because I had missed out on those gatherings during important dynamic-learning years of my youth. Now, this uncle makes me realize I just hadn’t found the people that felt like family yet because somehow this comes naturally. I thought it was just the liquor and how easily it made words flow but when I saw him at dinner the next day, words came with just as much ease.

I once thought being a black sheep was some terrible thing. I had only ever heard it in a derogatory context and had programmed in myself that it was the one part of the family I didn’t want to be. As my older brother drifted off into rave-hippie-hood I was so sure he took the spot and I was safe. Funnily enough, he seems like he’s coming back in just as I’m ready to lean into the position.

Perhaps, being the black sheep, only ever means that you’re strong enough to go against the grain and carve out your own life even when no one understands why. Looking back, that has always been me, not understanding why everyone was doing things the way they were and wanting to find my own way instead. Even when it’s not easy, it’s worth it – find your way.

Much love, until next time.