Over the weekend, I encountered the first time I had to find the courage to voice to my relatively new boyfriend that something he said had upset me. Sure, I’ve had similar encounters with others but after getting enough bad reactions I took on the idea that it would be easier to just swallow the upset and chip away whatever part of myself their comment or reaction had picked at. This boy, though, challenges all of the habits I’ve developed to keep myself safe and undetected.
So when upset crept in, I paused to look for courage, and then despite feeling foolish, I shared it with him. I was so sure I was going to vomit as I was trying to push the words to the surface but once they were out and he thanked me, told me he loves me, and didn’t mean to upset me, the feeling dissipated and my magic was back. Check that out, it didn’t even kill me.
The Fool
When I learned that making eye contact with someone, silently, without touching could rehumanize a person I started looking at myself in the mirror.
I would pick the absolute worst moments.
Thinking back to the time I held a boy as he sobbed, tears pouring into my mouth and I just licked my lips when he apologized and thanked God for making salty and sweet go together so well. He loved me so much for that.
So when I started sobbing, I walked to the mirror. Now, this is one of those body-length mirrors that pivots front to back, kind of like the inflatable clowns made for you punch in the face only for the sand grounding them to bring them right back into position again, ready for the next blow.
So that’s what I did. I stood there, foolishly looking like a clown as my makeup poured down my face and I cried.
When I was done tearing myself down, I imagined my feet planted in the sand, grounded and I stood back up and got into position again ready to take another blow, ready to chance being knocked down.
At first, I thought admitting this would be humiliating but what I remember from my time dabbling in tarot is that the fool is the beginning of the journey.
You can’t get anywhere if you’re not willing to be a fool first. So humiliate me.
Can you picture me standing there, in front of the mirror, leaning into it because I can’t quite hold myself up and crying – and I, well I ugly cry.
Some days I would cry so ugly that I’d start laughing at myself.
One day after that happened, as my reflection and I were laughing together with lines of wetness running down our faces, I wiped away the tears, licking the salty-sweet from my lips, and without even thinking said “I love you so much for that. Thank you, I really needed it.”
This unexpected confession only triggered a stronger sob – tears raining from my eyes, laughter thundering from my belly in a combination I never imagined possible.
This is the moment that I learned the cracks formed by an earthquake, fault lines, can both cause destruction and create something new at the same time – it’s all a matter of how much wonder your lens holds.
So I let myself be broken apart and trusted that I would drift further into myself.
When I learned that words of affirmation could change someone’s day and plant the seeds to reshape their beliefs, my apartment started looking like I was having a psychotic break.
Dry erase markers on the window sills so that every time I’m needing love and find myself wanting to tell someone that I care, I can leave a message for myself.
I write with lipstick on my mirrors, far more than I ever put lipstick on in the mirror – I consider that an accomplishment and it’s not because I think women shouldn’t wear lipstick but because I would only put lipstick on when I didn’t feel like myself and needed a mask to face the world.
I’ve started collecting whiteboards because it’s a hell of a lot easier to gather them up and tuck them away when you’re expecting company than it is to explain why you have notes taped all over your walls and bulletin boards full of delusional positivity.
That right there is how I know that I still have more to get from the boards, the messages -I still care if people see the things that I’m doing for me.
I believe I’ll only be ready to put them away once I no longer feel the urge to, life is ironic like that.
Once we’re ready to face something, it’s almost like we no longer need it.
Only then do I think back to sitting in a friend’s home and finding the courage to inquire about the whiteboards, notes to self and calenders strategically, placed in every room and I silently thank him for not taking them down and for having the patience and openness to explain them, even after admitting he hadn’t written on them in months.
This will happen over and over again – you will search for something thinking it’s what you need and at the moment maybe it will be until you outgrow the version of you that needed that. Some day, though, you find the one thing that you still need, love.
Now the moment I said that I felt the grumble of millions in pain, under their breath and that is the indicator we are looking for.
If when I said that word, love, you were a grumbler I need you to do me a favor.
Some day you’re going to feel that pressure welling up in your chest or maybe if it’s been too long since you’ve last cried that pressure has dropped into clenched fists.
Some day you’re going to be taken over with a wave and I can’t describe it to you but I trust that you’ll know that as soon as this wave comes you’re going to need to ride it so you don’t get taken under.
You’re going to need to walk right over to the mirror and I want you to take your hands and put one on either side, brace yourself and then look deep into your eyes, find the storm.
I can’t describe to you, how this is going to feel but I trust that you’ll know that wells are meant to hold water so when it wells up in your eyes, don’t push it back down and ask for a drought – overflow is a sign of abundance.
You see the other thing that I remember about tarot is that after you find the courage to be the fool, you step into your magic and become the magician.
I promise you that love is absolutely magical – be willing to be foolish for it.
Madeline May I... 