I’ve spent a lot of time getting to know myself better but it’s a whole other obstacle to successfully integrate the parts of myself I got to know into my life, my story, without feeling ashamed of them. Sometimes it’s hard to acknowledge that the approaches I took to cope with life weren’t always the healthy ones. It’s even harder to get myself to acknowledge that maybe when I was told I was “too sexual”, I had such a strong reaction to it because I already knew that sexualizing myself was my first approach to trying to feel accepted.
The thing is, those parts of our journey that we want to keep hidden from the world are often exactly what we need to own in order to heal. We aren’t who we were, what we’ve done, or where we’ve been. We are here, present, and creating our future. The past is nothing but history now and this poem was written after a boy told me he wished I was more beautiful, referring to my size, when the truth was I was just too much for him to handle.
Yogurt
I wear my excess weight like a warning label.
I’m letting you know right off the bat, I’m going to be too much.
You pick the full-fat yogurt up off the shelf and put it in your basket.
Smiling, you picture the indulgence of the first spoonful.
Decadent, daring.
So take me, full fat, let me be your creamy treat.
I’ll let you indulge but you can’t have me all the time.
Right now, though,
let me see that smile again as you go in for a taste.
Much love, until next time.
Madeline May I... 