Rewrite.

Our lives can be broken down into the experiences we have and how they are shaped by our perspectives. What happens is if an experience is particularly traumatic for us, its explosive nature often leads us to reshape our perspective to account for the possibility of that narrowly escaped catastrophe happening again. For anyone that, as an adult, found that they aren’t ever really quite comfortable being themselves, maybe this sounds like childhood.

Just the other day I sat down to explain to my son’s dad that no one can keep their children from experiencing trauma, but they can teach them healthy ways to deal with those sort of situations as they arise. If you’re past that point, if you couldn’t deal with them at the moment, your life will give you opportunities to revisit and either heal from that trauma or let it continue taking root, weaving fear through your body, taking the shape of many seemingly more complex problems.

Our fight or flight response is a tool for survival. Do you recognize what situations call for just surviving and what situations have space for thriving? This is an important distinction to make because as you’re revisiting your traumatic experiences and allowing opportunities to heal from them, it will often feel like a need to survive at first. Your body will react the same way and for that moment, you’ll need to be stronger than your urge to run – strong enough to pause and evaluate.

Here’s the rewrite I am the most thankful for right now:

2013

I never thought I was going to be a mom at 19. Even more so, I never thought I’d be a mom at 19 in the position I was – scared, stuck.

It was a cold, snowy day and I still hadn’t worked up the courage to overcome my fear of driving so if I’m going to get diapers, I’ll be making the 30-minute trek with this 5-month old strapped to my chest along an icy highway. I don’t think I should ask him to pick them up. I should just suck it up and take the walk. As darknes crept in and I glanced over at the two diapers left on the changing table, I had to make a decision before it got too late.

I took my chances and sent the text “Max only has two diapers left. Could you please stop on the way home from work and pick some up?” My stomach started churning nearly immediately. I avoided asking for anything as often as possible – avoided interacting as often as possible, honestly. I never knew what reaction I’d get.

It didn’t take long for me to discover that this gamble wasn’t going to pay off, I should have just gone for the walk. Messages started off unreceptive – “It’s been a long day, cant you just get them yourself“. The last time I went for a walk and someone told him they saw me walking along the highway, I got scolded. That was a far nicer day and I was berated for my stroll down the sidewalk, “putting my son in danger”.

When I got a begrudging and short agreement that he’ll get diapers, I knew it wasn’t the end of it. After he got home my regret over not just getting them myself kicked in stronger than ever as he laid into me for not having more consideration for what kind of day he had before asking for something like that. I wish I had known I was making such an unreasonable request. I would have kept my mouth shut. Never again.

My never again stayed firm. It lasted long after that relationship and well into the countless after that. I wouldn’t ask for anything. Never again will I be an inconvenience. I just get in the way.

2022

The initial shock of a phone ring always catches me off guard, scares me almost half to death. So obviously, I jumped out of my skin when the unwelcome chimes started going off – until I looked down and saw your name. Deep breath. Regain composure. Ready.

“Hello?” I manage, trying to keep my smile from stealing my composure away again. I’ve never been good at answering phones genuinely, and I always thought that was bad but I love the way you call me out on it.
There was a soft giggle, slowly turning full-on laugh with a “That’s better” as your response. The way you giggle, especially when it’s at my quirks, is one of my absolute favorite sounds.

As I listened intently to you telling me about the job you were on the way back from and how unnecessarily shitty it was, I could hear the exhaustion in your voice. I was ready to offer to cancel dinner so you could nap as long as you needed but I figured we’d cross that bridge when we came to it so I just kept listening.
“Okay, I’ll let you go. I love you, baby, I’ll be there in about 30 minutes.” I never get tired of hearing you say that.
“I love you, see you soon.” I notice how much colder than you I always sound. The truth is, I’m so sure if I open that box – emotion, warmth – a slow leak will turn gush faster than you’re ready for and I don’t want to scare you.

The second time the phone rang, I was even more caught by surprise. It had been 5 minutes, tops, since the last one. So surprised, in fact, that I didn’t even remember I always tried to pull myself together before answering.

“Uh.. hi?!?” I spat out with a sense of confusion. For the record, the laughter I got in response was well worth the confusion.
“Hi”, laughing, “I meant to ask if you need me to stop and get anything while I’m out. Do we need to bring anything to your parents for dinner?”

I was seconds away from crying, thank goodness you called me Betty Crocker when I told you I made cupcakes and was going to take those so my laughter could replace the tears welling up in my eyes. I wasn’t ready for a gush. All I could think about is how tired you must be after your shitty day of work, two hours of sleep because “leaving the bar early” turned into staying up until 3am with me, and a short three hours between driving back and heading to dinner.

It might not seem like a big deal to you, and that’s okay, but I actually took the time to think if I needed something. I didn’t feel like I had to say no. I didn’t question whether or not I’d be an inconvenience if I did, indeed, take you up on your offer of kindness. I never stopped to ponder if you actually love me or if you’re just going to use this against me later. I only had to stop to consider if I needed something.

Much love, until next time.