Complaint Box

I spend enough time quietly, observing, that sometimes people are caught off guard when they discover just how loud and outgoing I can be. The thing is, I believe we can learn far more from listening than we can from speaking and I think the silence in between leaves room for the truth to seep in. When I choose to use my voice, I want the words to come with a purpose.

“Well I think part of growing up is just learning to smile through it and keep the peace,” he says in a conversation full of nothing but complaints about others. Why? Do you think part of growing up is never resolving the complaints so you always have something outside of yourself to focus on? And yes, here I am, complaining. Don’t you worry, I see it too. But I spoke up first. I offered solutions. Now I’m blowing a little smoke in the vent, letting it out – go.

My attention to my words, the need to assign them a purpose makes me listen extra closely as I start giving the advice that wasn’t necessarily asked for but was offered up in response to a stream of unprompted complaints disguised as a conversation piece. Why don’t you just voice it when people are saying something to you that you don’t want to hear. I absolutely needed to hear that far more than he did. So much so that I paused this post to write an apology letter for pushing my advice towards him when I just needed to make my boundaries clearer instead. I certainly can’t be an advocate for what I won’t practice myself.

I can’t, won’t, handle that level of negativity without a push for solutions. Those are not conversations I partake in anymore. Sometimes I forget that when I’m around the people I used to gossip with and it takes me an outburst to remember and correct. I’ve seen him at least once a week for 4 months now, that’s a lot of exposure to build up pressure, a lot of complaint sessions.

Yet there I was, sitting on the couch in his home, listening to his complaints and getting angrier and angrier with each one he gave me. Why don’t you fix it instead of complaining about it? I was texting my boyfriend my frustrations before I even walked out of the house. That’s the thing about complaining, it’s contagious. Negativity spreads through the air and I don’t care how many masks you layer over your face, you’re going to breathe it in if you can’t find the courage to speak out against it.

It’s so easy to think we can find the solution to our problem by pointing out the error we see in someone else’s behavior and encouraging them to change that, but that causes nothing but conflict. The real solution comes from encouraging ourselves to be the example that shows them just how well it really works. I’m still proud of myself for finding the courage to use my voice and share what I did. I am even more grateful for the opportunity to humble myself to an apology, to own my errors, and set them straight.

When I asked why he didn’t want to voice it, he told me that he didn’t want to ruin relationships because at least before speaking up, before facing the unknown, he still knows they’re there. If he speaks up, maybe he’ll ruffle too many feathers, maybe he won’t be accepted. I think if you’re afraid something will break by introducing truth to it, it’s already broken.

As I prepare myself to hand him the letter, it’s in the back of my mind that to him voices ruin relationships and I’m about to use mine. I wish he could feel that I’m more confident than scared. I can’t help but think it would help him find the courage if he knew what it felt like to know that you deserve people that can handle and will listen to your truth. Anyone that can’t, will make space.

Much love, until next time.