I read an article that said bulimia can be formed as a result of unhealthy attachments to a mother’s love, rooted all the way back in the nursing stage of development. I’m absolutely buying it. The idea is that the toxicity of the milk, caused by ill-thought and negative feelings, can create a disconnect in the child. They go to their mother for love, nourishment, and leave with a sour taste in their mouth.
I think, larger-scale this looks like a push and pull in relationships. Maybe this combines the former with the idea that our relationships tend to mimic those we had with our parents. Regardless, I have this tendency to push away love when I need it most, to feel undeserving. Logically, I always know I’m loved, and often, I truly feel it. What a tragedy it is, though, to have a power that only ever fails you when you desperately need it to pull through. Maybe I just need to believe it can.
Love Protest
Some days I don’t want to be loved
scratch that
that’s a lie
Some days I struggle to accept being loved
that’s way more true
cross my heart and hope to die
I wonder if it can be sensed
when someone’s trying to love me
I wouldn’t ever say that I reject
but I don’t respond as warmly
I try
I have this aversion to illusions
so my try is just enough
to convey
that I’m still coming from love
it’s just the day
it feels a little too much
and the last thing I can do
is convince myself
deserving of love
Much love, until next time.
Madeline May I... 