I’ve spent my whole life scared and I wouldn’t be surprised if that trend continues. The difference between my current fear and my past fear is that I’ve learned how, presently, to keep it from stopping me more often than not. Sometimes working up courage takes 3 days and pulling on every experience of when I’ve done something similar, applicable, transferable.
At each moment, I just can’t help to think we wouldn’t be facing it if we weren’t ready.
Ready
I feel like I’ve spent my whole life getting ready for this
and I don’t even really know what this is
only that there is no way it would be possible
for life to be so perfectly this right now
had I not prepared for so many years to be here, now
I remember telling my therapist that I didn’t understand
how I’ve loved so many people, but can’t feel love
and it sounds contradictory but I would have passed a lie detector,
I still believe it – that it was true, then, to some capacity
I knew whatever love I wanted, needed, craved – it was out there, not felt
Sometimes I catch myself talking under my breath, whispers to, from, spirit, self –
now it’s happening when I’m not alone, physically, I worry but continue
mostly because I feel at peace, safe, able to space and connect, let words in
how do you expect us to talk in our secret language if you don’t have reading on, concept
I’ve mastered talking in conversations others aren’t privy to for some time now, don’t mind
The wind feels a little bit more like wind today
I wonder if it can notice itself, maybe feels like it’s been getting ready for this
it’s stronger, moving more than I’m used to, shifting rapidly
and call me an optimist if you must, I know wind can be dangerous,
but when it blows don’t you feel like anything can happen – here, now
I remember telling my therapist that I see signs, everywhere
and it was with absolute certainty this would be when she finally called
me bonkers, the hospital to admit me, my emergency contact to notify, someone
but she never called for anything but acceptance
I’m doing much better at accepting my experiences, only silently, alone
Sometimes I catch myself gazing off into the distance, over a shoulder, attention pulled
maybe because I saw a leaf blow in a way that looked like dancing, maybe
I could have seen something that left just as quickly as it appeared, was seen
by the time I explain, what, I start to worry I’m going to get called – remember acceptance
things are just a little different from everyone’s perspective but you’re ready for this
Much love, until next time.
Some things take a little extra courage, here’s one of mine and a gentle encouragement to go check out my youtube channel When Things Become Vivid, if you feel so inclined. It’s the next place I’ll be trying to build consistency.
Madeline May I... 