I came across this today during my mindless scrolling on Facebook and perhaps this is an attempt to give meaning to my scrolling, justify it, or perhaps someone somewhere needs this. I did, once.
Another perspective to consider: Everyone is fighting their own battles. People may not mean* to make ‘mentally ill’ people feel bad for their symptoms. Maybe the person is just suffering themselves and when someone is flaky they feel let down, or like they aren’t valued. Maybe when someone is aggressive it reminds them of someone in their own life that reacted aggressively towards them and it acts as a trigger of sorts. Perhaps when they seem bothered by crying, it’s because they want to make it better and don’t know how and it hurts to watch someone else suffer so they react instead.
We are all in a process of dealing with and healing from things we’ve experienced. Some people are just more open about it than others and address it more head-on which means both they and others have a better understanding of the ‘symptoms’ that come with it. There is far more power in learning to not take personally how someone else feels towards or reacts towards oneself than expecting everyone else to change their own actions to accommodate. When we have expectations of others, we are almost always let down. When we learn to focus on the things we can control and do the best we can with those, we find peace.
This isn’t downplaying mental health or mental illness, just for the record. I simply think we are all* dealing with it and call it by different names so, in the same way, it isn’t helpful for someone with depression to be criticized for sleeping so much, it isn’t helpful for the person with depression to start pointing fingers and take on the role of a victim in that situation when it’s really an opportunity for two people to have a conversation, understand one another and remove the emotional burden of blame from either party. Our illnesses are an indicator of where we are still growing and healing, not an excuse to treat people poorly or expect to be catered to.
“We are trying” -> Yes. I know. I tried for a long time to make everyone happy with me too. It tears you in a million directions all at once, no wonder you feel unstable. Stop. Stop trying. Let yourself be yourself and if people don’t like you, they’re not worth it. We’re not made for everyone. We are far too special for that.
Now here’s the thing – I am classified as ‘mentally ill’. I have a folder full of papers with a bunch of abbreviations smushed together to indicate what’s wrong with me. I have a list full of medications that I definitely should not, will not, try ever again. I have 6 years of therapy and two hospital stays under my belt. I still think about my roommate from my first stay, regularly – I wish she could see how wonderful she is. She helped me so much. The patients opened my eyes far more than the staff possibly could.
Despite all of that, though, nothing was wrong with me. The only thing wrong was that me, I, had been suppressed for so many years that I was bursting at the seams looking for any way out, screaming. Of course, you’re aggressive, you’re battling to get out. Of course, you’re flaky, you’re still learning how to not consider other people’s needs and feelings before your own. Yes, you’re forgetful because you’re so worried about everything that you’re leaving no room for the things that are actually important to you.
You can’t expect people to stop pointing out parts of you but you can accept that those parts have a purpose and forgive yourself so that when someone else points to them you don’t have to take it as an attack. You can get to know the parts of yourself and learn how to let them work for you rather than against you. You can ask for what you need and not hold it against yourself, even if someone doesn’t want to give it to you. That’s simply an indication that they aren’t for you. Let go of them, not yourself.
Commitment is difficult for me – of any nature. Sometimes it feels too much like an obligation. A few weeks into dating my boyfriend as I was making it sound like I might back out of a family dinner that I already knew I wasn’t going to actually back out of, I explain to him how feeling like I have an out gives me the courage to face a situation. I explain how sometimes, without an out, I’m going to freak out – abort mission!
Now, he always gives me an out. I never feel obligated. We’ve reached a point of understanding that it is something I need and he is willing and capable of meeting that need so he does. He never makes me feel like a burden for having needs or expressing them and I’ve finally stopped beating myself up over them, mostly. He always encourages me to be myself, to express myself, to voice it if something is wrong. I feel safe, always. Safety is the indicator that removes my need to be aggressive, flaky.
That is how I know he’s for me. Before that, I asked how I would know when someone, something, was. I let go of a lot, fearfully. So many times I thought I was just being greedy and letting go of mostly good things because I just wasn’t satisfied with them. Something never felt right, though. Parts of me were always missing, afraid to come out. You have to let go of a lot to make room for the really great things, for the greatest you.
Much love, until next time.
Madeline May I... 