Marriage
my dad used to tell me I was his princess
once told me he wanted to make me a tiara
someday, he’d give me away, want me to wear it
It sounds, or feels, silly to admit as an adult
but I miss my dad calling me his princess
even though I told him no –
no tiara, no giving away, no marriage
but princess, the princess is a resounding yes
the first time someone was serious
about wanting to marry me, they asked
they asked me if they could ask him, my dad
ask my dad for my hand in marriage – no
I am no one’s to give away, I am my own – no
when they asked my best friend about proposing
she told them not to be surprised when I said no
my hand, myself, is not to be given and marriage is a no
the second person within that year
would you consider marrying the devil
the same as making a deal with him – I wouldn’t
in my darkness, my paranoia, sometimes
sometimes I want to cut off my ring finger, picture it
maybe, maybe, maybe someday, maybe eventually
eventually, after my answer wasn’t accepted, eventually yes
can you tell me if the devil knows when you’re lying – marriage, no
the third time, the same year, someone suggested marriage
the idea came with video proof, I played it on loop, puzzled
talk about irony – him on the brink of caving to an arranged marriage
as I was on the verge of arranging, forcing, my life
into everything I thought I should want, something nice – abort mission
the fourth time, just barely same year, the topic of marriage
only this time it crept into my head rather than ever being said
can you imagine going through life sure you’re not cut out for it
only one day, weeks in, caught off guard,
hand in my hair, body between my legs, lips crushing mine
this is it, you could marry him now, you’ll figure it out
whispers in my mind, out of nowhere but I know where, truth
I think of my best friend’s mom telling a story about meeting her husband
some people say when you know you know, this was one of those stories
I asked her what it meant, how you just know, what’s it feel like – I never would
but now I do, I just know and there’s no way to explain it but I’m sure
sometimes, now, I miss my dad calling me his princess
It’s still a no – on the giving away, but I’ll take a tiara, life partner
I still won’t ever belong to anyone but myself,
but I’d like to build a life, love, family – not by myself.
Much love, until next time.
Madeline May I... 