I am far from ready to talk about it, so I’m going to write about it. My body betrayed me and it’s almost as if it had to make sure that I knew. I get it, that sounds like paranoia, a disorder of some sort. Your body doesn’t have a mind of its own. But what if it does?
My body got a little too spontaneous, carried away. It took the parts of me I love the most, my ability to drop everything and carry forward, and it used them against me. All I can remind myself is that it’s in our greatest moments that we get tested the most. The greatest things in life, we’ll fight for the most. The distinction is that we shouldn’t have to fight with or against. The great things, the for us, they don’t fight back.
Bodily Betrayal
I don’t know how I’m supposed to face people again
I feel unclean, dirty, no matter how much I wash
I know it’s not my fault, so why do I feel the need to be punished
I feel it plastered on my face – sadness, shame
Want discovered, given, and taken in a matter of days
A roller coaster on a constant plummet loses its thrill
I’ve been trying to convince myself my body isn’t the enemy
If there’s one at all, we’ll call it time
but how do you begrudge illusion – stop believing
I’ve never wanted to run as badly as I do right now
My unmoving legs, newly unwavering want, still not dwindling ache
I don’t know how I’m supposed to face people again
because I can barely face myself in the mirror right now, look
moments riddled with the most guilt are laughter over tears
this returning pain, reminder, how dare I be happy when you’re not here
I promise, I trust – you will absolutely be back when you’re ready for us.
Much love, until next time.
Madeline May I... 