I think I’m getting better and better at staying consistent, handling life, and then something throws me for a loop. I desperately need a moment to catch my breath. I can feel myself closing off again, pulling away. I’m trying to remember that we can’t all back out. I made my entrance and I have to see the mission through.
Carried Off
I went into a miscarriage, already knowing it wasn’t my fault.
It’s not stopping me from tearing myself apart with questions, looking for answers.
It doesn’t stop me from wanting to punish my body for its spontaneity
It didn’t stop me from my mind instinctively jumping from moment to moment, searching for blame
When I heard it wasn’t my fault, the doctor told me, I started casting blame outward
I trust you not to hurt me, and I hope you trust the same of me. Perfect timing.
I believe sometimes we give reminders, exactly when they’re needed, without understanding why.
Support reached out from all directions, reminders, before I watched the shadow move through the room, capturing.
I trust you not to hurt me and it’s so easy to remind myself – you remind me all the time –
to remind myself to let you be there, let you love me, of course, it’s not your fault.
I went into a miscarriage, knowing I’m not the only one that it’s going to affect.
In some ways, I think I’m using that knowledge to deflect –
attention away from myself, emotions from becoming overwhelming, solitude from taking over.
I’m not the only one that it’s going to affect but I’m the only one grappling with the fact that my body betrayed itself, betrayed me.
Sometimes when I catch myself laughing, smiling, happy, it feels like betrayal all over again but I have to be – no one can stay in this sadness forever.
We weren’t made for it, only to break free.
I went into a miscarriage and a week later I found pennies on the ground, again, daily.
A penny on the ground on the way into the laundromat, a sock in the washer, tiny enough that it won’t fit any of our feet but it would have fit his.
I keep asking myself, begging, not to lose my mind, myself as I pull through this.
Much love, until next time.
Madeline May I... 