There’s an importance to finding balance, a point of grounding, when your opponent is a strong force. I remember wrestling, fighting, always in play but always with firmness and a need to assert myself. The most important thing you can do is get yourself firmly grounded, even if you’re not the one with the most strength. When you’re planted firmly enough, even the strongest winds will struggle to knock you down.
I keep slipping, forgetting to ground myself, assert myself. Sometimes we’re worried that if we do, our wants will slip away. I keep asking again and again, myself, if we can just find the strength to stand up and do what we need for our soul rather than continue to use patches to fill the ego. Maybe that’s where the real fight is happening.
Paranoia
I’ve been suspicious of ongoing attacks for quite some time now. It’s almost as if no matter how hard I try, I can’t shake the feeling I’m being torn in half, pulled to pieces.
I want to believe that I have the power to keep myself together, no matter who tries to get a hook in me, but sometimes the screams are just quiet enough to confuse as a whisper and I give, place trust in the wrong words.
I can see an argument for just about anything and in a way, that’s a gift but I’ve never been particularly good at playing the judge because I often believe the arguments for both sides are just a bit too strong.
Maybe that’s the gift – an easy out on playing judge. It’s not our role anyways.
It’s easy to say that the light was a flash of yellow, willpower, solar plexus, because it was coming from the sun but I’ve never seen the sun this shade of yellow and I’ll argue that you’d have to see it to believe it – signs.
I’m afraid of words that label, titles, because they come with preconceived notions, lingering impressions from past experiences.
Rewind to 15 year old me, names were an outrage for the same reason – a first impression based on something I have no control over.
Present day, I’m willing to grant you the idea that it’s just a representation for how life works. You can’t change who you are born as, no matter how much you try to bury and hide.
I’m struggling to come back down to physical but it’s hard to find your way back when you can’t seem to get a grasp on your starting point.
We looked at a map, where are we, after wandering with no direction but for a lesson.
When you trust that there’s a way back, you never really feel lost, only journeying.
But I want to allow the right company, support. I don’t want to harden again but don’t know how to ask for help protecting my softness.
Whispers, stifled screams, from either side with an opinion on who can and can’t be trusted. Where is knowing now? I need your help avoiding attack until I find a way to stop the vicious attack – on self, self-inflicted.
Much love, until next time.
Madeline May I... 