I’ve always been prone to nightmares but they seem to creep in the most when my waking life feels like it’s at its best. One moment I applaud myself for not taking things too personally, not projecting the past, and allowing myself to eat when I want to eat without telling myself I’m not worthy. The next I’m waking up in tears because while I caught the self-shaming in my conscious state, sleeping me was less forgiving.
Too Fat
Fat
You’re too fat
Now that you’re pregnant
Getting too fat
Red eyes but I don’t jump
Scrunch up my face
ask you “what?”
Nods in confirmation
You heard me right, too fat.
Mood drops, eyes golden
wake up from a dream
saddened
you kiss me like I’m not
too fat
I don’t hold it against you
what you said
when you weren’t you
when your eyes were red
it’s the fear that crept in
settled in my head
told me you’d leave
told me, it’s me.
Trauma comes back
as reactions
not memories.
I still the feel the sadness
betrayal
from being too fat
pregnant
around 13 weeks
I still remember the manipulation
it sneaks in
when I sleep
this time
and that
I promise
not too fat
Much love, until next time.
Madeline May I... 