I had to leave my boyfriend a 5-page letter explaining that I’m having a hard time, don’t know how to be open about it and how he can help “de-escalate” me when I’m withdrawing and disassociating. Okay, I didn’t HAVE to but I either needed to do it or I was going to self-sabotage the fuck out of a relationship that is normally a source of peace for me so I HAD to do it. I get so embarrassed by this part of me – my inability to vocalize and put into audible words what I’m thinking and feeling when it’s the most important. I left the letter on the bed and fled the house for the rest of the day, certain I’d tear it to shreds and burn it if I found myself in the same room as it before he knew it existed, read it. You see the thing is, the demons lose their power when they’re exposed to the light. They will go to unreasonable lengths to stay hidden but healing is constantly meeting them in the dark and bringing them back into the light. Power isn’t what’s most important to achieve, after all.
Hello, Demons
Hello, demons, I see that you’re back.
You fought your way in, slipped through the crack.
What do you want? Why not knock at the door?
I’m catching you faster each time that you come.
I know that you’re hurting, want me to hurt too.
I know it’s familiar to drag me down with you.
I’m not coming this time. I’m not sure if you see –
the person you appealed to is gone, it’s not me.
It’s always been us is a line that once worked
but now I’m opening up, accepting my worth.
Hello, demons, do you have something to say?
I’m only willing to deal with you in a transparent way.
Much love, until next time.
Madeline May I... 