What you quickly learn when you commit to growth is that you will often outgrow the people and environments around you. I find this to be the hardest part of continuing the journey – just how many people you have to let go, how many things you find the need to walk away from. When I hard conversation approaches, my stomach tightens. What if THIS is the growth moment that necessitates me walking away? I’m just not sure I could bear it.
It’s in these moments that I remind myself that not having the conversation, not taking the steps, is simply walking away from my commitment to myself and that can lead to me wandering so far off path that it feels impossible to crawl back. I scramble to gather my trust and maybe it only feels like scrambling, maybe it looks like freezing. I’m closing my eyes, taking deep breaths, when I open them I fixate on the nail in the wall. Maybe I shouldn’t say it yet. Maybe I should run it by someone else. “I swear, I thought this was going to come out easier. I practiced all day. I even talked to a tree about it. Really thought it was going to be easier.” I’m half trying to lighten the mood and half trying to remind myself that the part of my body that makes sound come out still knows how to function. I’m not sure how I start talking or even exactly what I said now but I’m so glad I did.
Self Survey
I wanted to ask everyone else what I should do.
I sat and paused, listened to the silence and it told me
that no one I know handles things the way that I want to.
I wanted to ask everyone else what I should do
so I asked myself and she said talk to you
I told her I couldn’t, it’d surely be the end
maybe I just push you away instead, start living in my head?
I wanted to ask everyone else what I should do
But no one has the answers of what life’s for you
It’s time to make these decisions, even if you don’t feel ready to.
Much love, until next time.
Madeline May I... 