Sometimes I feel guilty for just how much I enjoy spending time alone, even away from my partner, but the truth is it’s the only way I have right now to clear out the noise and get in touch with myself.
I didn’t realize until last week that I keep getting sick at family parties because I keep picking up anything and everything people throw my way until I’m so overwhelmed with not me that I can’t even carry myself to where I need to be.
I used to say that I hate people, can’t stand them, but the truth is I love them so much I want to help every chance I get and if I don’t take the time for myself, that is damaging and leaves me feeling everything but love.
I’m still working to find the balance. I’m trying to understand how to stand within myself and let everything thrown fly past me. I’ll get there, I believe it, but for now, I’m learning.
Mixed Up Emotions
I don’t always know what feelings are mine
I used to say that I don’t know what I’m feeling
I spent two of my five years in therapy looking through lists
identifying feeling words, matching it to the sensations in my body
I know what feelings are, I know what they feel like
I’ve even learned how to recall the last feeling before going numb
Frustration usually creeps up to combat the resurfacing numbness
When he looks at me and asks where I keep going
I wonder what I look like when I go away – what does he see?
I settle on the words I’m sorting through things and processing
because I don’t know how to say that I’m digging to find my feelings
I’m battling through a storm of not me to save myself
Sometimes I’m embarrassed
It’s a lot easier to say I’m working on my mental health
than admit that my spiritual needs addressed, re-rooted
I don’t always know what feelings are mine
and I don’t mean to keep shutting you out
but I don’t always know how else to figure this out
what’s yours and what’s mine and what’s left to be set aside
Much love, until next time.
Madeline May I... 