Do you ever notice the subtle way our wants are filtered through our beliefs first? Have you ever caught yourself wanting something only to immediately find lists of reasons that you just can’t have whatever it is? Why do we so often believe ourselves undeserving of what would make us the happiest, most fulfilled? I think those that get hurt early on in life, maybe even disappointed often, build this defense tactic of looking to the outside world to see what we think it will be willing to give us before we even begin considering our own level of wanting-ness. My problem is that I’ve always found myself wanting more than the options allow for. Every time I’ve tried to settle on one of the things I’m told I can have, I would get this aching telling me there’s more out there that I just haven’t seen yet.
The truth is, that wanting is a scary and vulnerable process. Truly wanting and pursuing those wants leaves room for the possibility that we fail, that we walk away wanting AND embarrassed. It’s been a while since I’ve said it… but I’ll embarrass myself over and over for you any chance I get. I think it’s what love is about, really. How much of your ego are you willing to set aside for a chance to actually have everything you want?
Facing Want
He’s everything I ever wanted
and now I want to run
I want to scream
maybe through a field of flowers
maybe far away
definitely into his arms
after a long day
He’s everything I ever wanted
and sometimes I get scared
it’s how I know I love him
the insistence of my fear
never immediate danger
only the potential for destruction
He’s everything I ever wanted
so I soften myself
sometimes I close my eyes
deep breath, ask for help
Everything I ever wanted
and I know that it’s okay
destruction is inevitable for all of us
at some point, someday.
Much love, until next time.
Madeline May I... 