This feels silly to admit but I don’t think anyone has ever apologized to me before. I mean yeah, people have told me they’re sorry after I point something out but I don’t think anyone has ever come to be me and said “Hey, look, I see that I did you wrong. I’m sorry. You don’t deserve that“. Even more so, I’m positive when I’ve questioned why I’ve been done wrong, people haven’t continued their apology by dropping their defensiveness and owning their own hurt and how it played a role.
Some of the time I spent sulking, I wasn’t mad at him or even upset with him, really. I just see that I’m not really as alone as I think I am. It’s not just that it’s incredibly difficult for me to exist in this world, it’s just that being human is incredibly difficult. So many of us have learned that we need to respond to being hurt by shutting down, closing people out, lashing out, and passing on the hurt we’re feeling. It was just a week ago that I was explaining through clenched teeth and tears that I’m hurt and angry and my immediate reaction is to be mean and hurt back so I need to take the time to calm down and gather my thoughts before I can talk about it but I didn’t always know to approach it this way.
I remember growing up seeing my parents not communicate enough and my first instinct was to start over-communicating in relationships so I didn’t become the same. I would talk before processing and my words would cause more harm than any amount of silence ever could. It’s the catch to being able to understand and empathize with people, you also have the tools to tear them down if you lose your way.
Nothing hurts me more than the pain I’ve inflicted on other people. Now, when someone hurts me, I pause to ask myself to soften not to allow the attack but to understand where it’s coming from.
Hurt Hurts
What do I say when it’s not okay?
You say sorry. Tell me – what do I say?
I forgive you so I say it’s okay.
It’s not. Your voice, my thoughts.
When I say why it hurt,
I’m sick but reassured
to see the way pain sweeps over your face,
when you say you didn’t think about how it affected me.
So what do I say?
Because even when I’m hurting, I want you okay.
Much love, until next time.
Madeline May I... 