I’m starting to realize that I spent so many years insisting on solitude because I was tired of hurting people, tired of trying to catch myself before I did, and frustrated that I never seemed aware that it happened until it was in retrospect. I still enjoy more than my share of solitude. When I’m hurting, I still need to be alone and quiet before I can be present with another and talk through the hurt. I need time to ground myself and understand why anger is bubbling to the surface, trying to bury the pain and solution alike. I’m not as patient as I’d like to be with the time I need to myself before I can “be a person” sometimes, but everything is constantly a work in progress. There is always room to grow. Allow it.
Knocked Down
I was riding high before a single sentence struck me down
On the good days, in the good moments, when my mood keeps soaring
Sometimes I forget it’s prone to melting down to nothing just as quickly
I wonder how often he blames himself for my change in demeanor – I hope never
A strong case for indirect correlation but I wouldn’t jump to causation
As old hurt is surfaced daily, surfacing imperfections long painted over
I wonder how often, before my days of awareness, I took this pain out on others
I remember apologies and insistence of mistreatment but reassurance
In retrospect, it was only because it went both ways, seemed justified
Moments have cratered me, left me susceptible to darkness shadowing over the holes
I kept trying to warn everyone not to fall in but I don’t think they heard me
Shifting, I’m finally patching the holes to ease the expectation, the need to tiptoe
It still stuns me in the moments I’m struck down, stopped in my tracks
But the time it takes me to gather myself and move forward confidently, calmly, is dwindling
Much love, until next time.
Madeline May I... 