The continued desire to receive external validation for the things that I’m already proud of makes my stomach churn but no matter how sick I get, my body still can’t seem to purge itself of that itch.
In these moments of self-disgust, I try to soften and remind myself that it’s natural to look to the outside for confirmation when you’ve spent such large chunks of your life around people whose strategy to win an argument was to deny your reality and experiences frequently enough to make you question your own perception of the world.
In these moments I try to remind myself that I’m safe now. I can trust myself and the people I allow around me. I don’t need to dig through the past for validation or even seek it out in the present. Some things just resonate deep enough within me that there’s no questioning it was the right way to go.
Growth, Self Observed
I want to write to you and tell you what he means to me
For a long time, I was convinced you were the only person that believed
In me, I don’t think you ever really fit, I should have never had to throw a fit
Find myself desperate, grasping for attention
But every time you find release, I watch it slip away as I gather the tension
As I tell him “Sometimes I forget that I don’t have to accept what is offered,
I forget that I’m allowed to say it’s not enough, it’s not what I want.”
I see the craters, the holes, left from the explosions that I tried to stifle.
I remember the way I kept trying to insist, to you and myself, that it was enough.
I believed it for years. Some days, I still believe it’s all I deserved, deserve.
I wait for the explosions, prepare to stifle them, strengthen the walls
But attacks only ever come from the inside now
I don’t need to build stronger walls, I need to find safe routes to let the pressure out
Old habits linger, my throat still closes at the thought of speaking so I write the words down
I wonder if it’s the only part that’s stayed the same between back then and now
I want to write to you and tell you what he means to me, some days
but I don’t want to speak to you, know you anymore
I just want someone that knew me to see –
I’m finally here, happy, finding peace, trusting.
I’m all of the things I thought I couldn’t be.
Much love, until next time.
Madeline May I... 