I worked with a coach that told me that someones we need people around to point out the parts of ourselves that we can’t see. Without a mirror, you won’t see the tip of your nose. If something is stuck in the middle of your back, good luck catching a glimpse without coming across as a dog chasing its tail.
Somewhere along the way, I learned that much of what rubs us the wrong way in other people is a result of the traits and qualities we fail to acknowledge in ourselves. Now, I get called a name and it bounces off, rejected as my own because they’re talking to the mirror of themselves. When I make a judgment, I pause to ask where in my life I’m exhibiting these behaviors that I loathe before I approach the topic with the person that brought it to my awareness, mirrored.
But I also remember the years before I could do this. I remember there were times I thought myself so ugly I didn’t dare glance in a mirror. Behaviors nasty enough I’d never want them reflected back to me so they must be other people’s responsibility. I understand what it’s like to be afraid to face what you see in the mirror but the mirror knows that it’s a mirror and you can’t shake the foundation when a truth like that is known. It’s not my responsibility to address your insecurities, you’re going to have to resolve your own.
Narcissism, Accused
I was told by my silencer that my writing is narcissistic and grandiose
Ironically, this came 2, maybe 3 days after delving into the topic of how overused the term narcissism is, and many times trauma responses can mimic the patterns of narcissistic behaviors, or perhaps even present as them – hell, I’m no psychologist so maybe my technical wording is off here.
But I understand my confidence looks like arrogance from the lens of someone who benefits from my compliance and silence.
I understand how speaking on the ways I’ve been wrong makes you feel reduced to a whipping boy – if you’ve never been confronted with the truth of how your actions have impacted other people then yes, maybe speaking up seems like lashing out but living authentically is what living is about.
If you don’t want to be recognized by the things that I write, clean up your act and start treating people right.
If you tell me to be quiet, it makes me want to shout – it’s not my fault you feel threatened by long overdue truths finally making their way out.
Perhaps it looks like I’m only considering myself, but only compared to the version of me that prioritized the comfort of everyone else.
You can tell the truth too, tell everyone your view – but I own the shit I did wrong so you won’t be sharing anything new.
Yeah – we fucked in your bed, yeah, I cheated on you. I disgusted by myself by the lows that I stooped and I don’t even excuse it just because you restarted the abuse, kept me from moving, and used my child as guilt too. I still think it was wrong, still not proud of myself – but I acknowledge it happened so I won’t do it to anyone else.
I became a liar back then because when I told the truth, it was used against me, wrapped around my throat like a noose, pulled tighter and tighter until I finally gave up, submitted to you.
I’m trustworthy now, even when I’m scared, I find the courage to be honest because lies leave damage that can’t be repaired.
If you think that my head is full of hot air, that my words should be silenced because of your despair – I can’t help but think that I’m proud, happy to say I’m finally getting out, all of the stupid shit, lies about myself that you put there.
Much love, until next time.
Madeline May I... 