Poetry Series – Shameful Grief

I keep pulling my shame out
As I unpack my grief
As if acknowledging the tragic loss
means being ungrateful for what’s in front of me
But I thought you’d be here
and you’re not
You promised you’d be always in the room
cheering me on
And I’m angry.
And I don’t know if it’s at you, or me,
And I’m angry
Because I’m still afraid to let it go,
of what I’ll be
But I find myself waking up beside the love of my life,
terrified that you showed up in a dream
terrified, frustrated that I’m not picking up
whatever it is my subconscious is trying to show me.
Angry that you were the only one in my corner,
and you turned – the corner, sides.
I look back and see – nothing but lies in what I thought was honesty
And I’m angry
That you taught me not to trust
even in myself
because you were the only one that believed
when there was nobody else
That there would be somebody else,
that I would finally grow into me.
I gave you all my credit
and now I want you to pay it back.
But you’re not a safe person for me, so I won’t ask.
Instead I sit here – angry,
Shameful,
Sad.

But some day. My happiness, my trust-

I trust they’ll find their way back.

Much love, until next time.