I spent a lot of my life trying to make myself smaller and smaller, taking up less and less space. Ironically, I was always a pretty heavy girl as if my body was trying to send the message that my attempts to shrink my presence for other people would forever prove futile so I might as well just give up now. I was persistent, though. Kept zapping away with the shrink ray, withholding just enough food to prove to my body that I might stand a fighting chance in this war against it. It never worked.
I’m still learning how to let go of the shame, the need to hide. I’m still learning how to accept that sometimes, an audience feels good. Sometimes I just want to be heard, regardless of who is listening.
Change the World
I want to change the world
Until I remember how it feels to be changed
Then I want to ask – who am I? Who am I*?
To change the world?
Supposed to present as?
Safe to be?
I’m staring at a sea full of strangers,
Seemingly unpredictable as the water
You can clap, snap, just as easily boo me off the mic
So I ask who am I safe to be?
You all look safe, from up here
Sitting, standing, listening, safely.
You see, I could choose anyone –
But not for my self
I’ve stopped collecting people
Realized they don’t add to my worth
So I mean, to be
I will watch you
Give me ten minutes, maybe 15
About all it will take to craft a mask of likability
If we’re being brutally honest
It will be someone you like, not me
Someone you like because they seem so perfectly… well you-like
And I promise that’s no bad way to be
But I remember how it feels to be changed
And likeability is not a fair trade when the cost is me
And it’s taken a long time to learn to return to self
To seek comfort in being – this
Rather than camoflaging as somebody else
So when you ask me what I’m doing to change the world
I have to assure you that I don’t take it lightly when I say
I’m letting myself find the courage
to just be myself,
like, a little more everyday.
Madeline May I... 