Pregnancy number one was a lesson in not trusting myself, from conception to birth. I don’t remember ever feeling as much fear as I did in those days so I bought into it, went along silently. I like to think it’s because I was younger than everyone that was telling me what to do and raised in an environment where I assumed my elders knew best. They didn’t – still don’t. Age is not an indicator of knowledge or open-mindedness.
Pregnancy number two – was short. Five weeks, maybe six. I drank a monster and half a pot of coffee every day before I knew. Once I knew, the next day, the outpour of blood was enough indication that it was too late to make a change. Somehow, I still don’t blame myself for that and I’m so, so proud because I know that so many do.
Pregnancy number three, I’ve switched doctors when I felt they weren’t aligned with my philosophies. The problem is, no doctors I encounter are aligned with my philosophies. Maybe they are, maybe they just have rules to follow to play the game too. Each appointment becomes a challenge of how loud I can voice my needs, my wants. How persistent can I be in my trust of myself when I’m the only one trusting myself? That’s a lie though. At least one other person trusts me and that’s just enough to remind me that maybe there’s a point to my resistance to the system. Just enough to remind me that maybe, I’m not all that crazy – it’s the system.
Health(s)care
In a day where we can convince half of the world to get unknown injections out of fear,
trusting your body is frowned upon
trust our fear
As medical professionals, we know best
As scientists, we know the truth
Bite your tongues, hold your opinions
Who do you think you are? Not even trained in this game.
We put out contradicting information
The excuse that science relies on continuous discovery
We’re only exposing the truth to the level we understand it
To the level it benefits us, those above us
Sometimes we have to take into account our funding
In a country where our healthcare system is for profit
Is there not a term that sounds less like we’re trying to fool you
Into thinking that we care, into thinking this is about health
Call each person a patient, let them know it requires patience
You will be sitting in this room for at least 2 hours past your scheduled time, waiting
Don’t think this means you can come in 2 hours late,
10 minutes and you’re canceled
on hold for 30 minutes to reschedule
transferred twice
When you finally see a doctor
Know if you want to be heard, you’ll have to shout
They’ve already seen your chart, made up their mind
In a country where our healthcare system is for profit, don’t worry – we’ve got a pill for everything
Yes it might cost you 30 dollars a day, per pill
Did I mention, you should probably take all 5 of these
You see, the first is to address your complaint without needing to dive to find a solution
The other four, trust you’ll want them to counteract the side effects of pill number one
Maybe it doesn’t feel like this is all necessary
But trust us, we’re doctors.
This. Is what science has become.
So when you come in
to monitor your pregnancy, to prepare for birth
we’re going to need to get a surgery on the books
We wouldn’t want to trust your body to know the right time
And we certainly wouldn’t want to cram you in when it’s inconvenient for us
Maybe you should have taken the injection
Maybe it would have helped with your rate of compliance
Certainly would help you not get these looks when you say you don’t need it
When you say you trust your body
Don’t you know?
We need your distrust.
This system relies on fear and control.
Much love, until next time.
Madeline May I... 