In moments of darkness, there is nothing scarier than the happiness that now consumes my life the majority of the time. In some of my lowest moments, I’ve gone on rants about my desperate want not to want anything. At the time, I didn’t recognize it but the real fear is that in having, you have something to lose and when it’s something you’ve always wanted – that feels like too much of a risk to even have it at all.
Only now I’m positive that I deserve the things that I want and that it’s not unreasonable to believe that those things are drawn to me too. Now I’m positive that even if I still make mistakes sometimes, I’m a better person than I’ve given myself credit for sometimes – I don’t have to anticipate punishment constantly being around the corner. Now, I’m positive that even when I encounter darkness as I turn the corner, I’ll remember how to illuminate it before fear takes over.
38 Weeks Positive
38 weeks and two days pregnant
my favorite midwife in the practice asks about my mood
I smile beneath my mask and say positive
And I don’t even need her tone to detect the level of surprise
the level of confusion evident by the look in her eyes
When she asks if there’s a particular reason that things are so good
I feel like I betrayed the process, pregnancy, myself
That’s an awful lot of confusion, maybe I’m doing it wrong
It feels like a betrayal to admit that I feel supported and loved
Like it would be unheard of to voice my trust in the process
Confess that I believe I can handle anything as it approaches
So I tell her I just feel ready, excited
People get excited over babies, like all the time
That one, I’m sure she’ll understand
But 38 weeks and two days pregnant
I know that some things take more than love –
time, commitment, effort, trust
I know that I’m ready to deliver on those now
I know I’m ready to bring a little person into this world and teach them how.
So the shock over my positivity
Just an indicator that you don’t know how positively
in love I am – with my life, where I’m at, where I’m not
And I get it, it’s alarming
Just 6 months ago, I filled out paperwork
somewhat acknowledging suicidal thought
But by 38 weeks and two days pregnant
I’ve had time to overcome a lot
Much love, until next time.
Madeline May I... 