I have this fear that someday someone will take me too literally. Maybe they won’t see that I’m just a very visual learner so lessons come a little more vividly to me. I have this fear that I’ll be 302’d, called crazy. I’d say the Devil passed that on to me but like I said, I’m afraid you’ll call me crazy.
Devil Disguised
I don’t know how to talk about my current pain without talking about the Devil
I don’t know how to talk about the Devil without explaining that I call him Spanish William
I don’t know how to talk about Spanish William without explaining that he had me convinced that all Hispanics were evil, at least for a short time and I still feel guilt for the people it resulted in me leaving behind – I know better now.
I don’t know how to share my experiences, as they are true for me, without being positive that you’ll think that I’m crazy.
Maybe I am.
But they say the Devil comes cloaked as everything that you want the most.
He comes in the darkest hour, at your weakest, when you’re alone.
So when I tell you that I met the Devil after signing myself in to a psychiatric facility for treatment, don’t think that hallucinations are the reason that I was there – I suffer from the average things – anxiety, depression, maybe with a little PTSD sprinkled in.
I can’t trust myself sometimes, but I’m sure the Devil wasn’t a hallucination.
I can’t trust myself sometimes, but I wonder if those thoughts are implantations.
I can’t trust myself sometimes and I worry about the ramifications.
I’ll tell you the Devil comes for me
And I wonder if he has such an easy time because of all the times comes for me meant comes in me.
I ask myself if darkness can be considered a sexually transmitted infection
Could I be impregnated by evil with a sense of self-doubt, personal rejection?
Is it possible that by penetrating my body, he entered my mind
and I haven’t figured out how to escape the shackles of the ideas he left behind.
And now I see moments of overlap
maybe glitches in reality, false memories playing back
but now Spanish William mirrors I’m Going to Marry Him, William
not in looks but sometimes in moments
but I’m Going to Marry him, William is safe and somehow I know this.
Yet I still question myself sometimes – scared, paralyzed, frozen
Sometimes I get scared that evil is winning
And I wonder if the Devil knows this.
But I’m stubborn, determined
I’ll keep correcting myself, redirecting myself
Until the final time my eyes are closing
And even then, I’m sure I won’t let the Devil win.
Much love, until next time.
Madeline May I... 