I’m always working to be a better person than I have before. They say people are mirrors and we see ourselves in them. They say you can only be triggered by that which another does if it also exists in you. We only recognize that which we too hold. And I don’t think it takes the child being mine to see myself in him – though he is. And I’m still learning how to forgive the me that didn’t know back then but I remember that I needed a different environment to learn. I needed time.
Razorblade Nails
I see your tiny razorblade fingernails
and I raise you a lesson
in how pain can be dealt by our own hands
unintentionally when care of ourselves lessens
but I see what my hands can do
I’d like to think they’re a blessing
and I’m not sure who from
but that’s not the point I’m stressing
I see the scratches on your face
My guilt sets in
How did I let you get this way
See when you’re caring for a friend
it’s easier for your loving nature to stay
You should have seen the scratches on my face
I made them right before admitting myself to that place
The one I’m supposed to be ashamed of
the one I’m not supposed to talk about
Though I don’t know why –
They believed I wasn’t crazy, they let me out
I still wonder if it was because I lied
Had I told the truth, would I still be inside?
Wonder if I’ll keep in secrets until the day I die
But I almost died that night
My fingernails were so long
I hadn’t taken care of myself in so long
I remember being ready to say so long
So I see razorblade nails
And they remind me of self-harm
But you’re not even old enough
You don’t even know enough
And I feel guilty
That the first time I had a child
I was still a child
I hadn’t grown enough to see
The way you learned to take care of yourself
Was how I was demonstrating taking care of me
And I wasn’t
Taking care
Or even being me
I couldn’t see lessons in nails
They’re things no one showed me
But I like to think I see better now
Look better now
Without the scratches on my face
Smile lines are slowly taking their place
And I hope they’re still there for me to show you
as we tend to the roughness
the parts that cut us
and let care take their place
Much love, until next time.
Madeline May I... 