Sometimes I feel like I am perpetually stuck in school, working on a group project but with partners that aren’t willing to see beyond their own vision of things, working with partners that are moving independently, that want everything done a certain way but only says they’ll do the work, says they’re DOING the work – without ever actually doing the work. I keep trying to revisit the idea that they’re an equal when it comes to the project but the more I find myself picking up the work they didn’t do, swearing it will be the last time, the more I wonder what the real solution is. Maybe it’s not a matter of getting the project done anymore. Maybe it’s better to get an incomplete than let my need for getting things done at the expense of my own values get the best of me.
Monsters
My past makes me appreciate my present more.
Now I wake up in the morning to see that the nightmares no longer leak into my waking hours,
they only reside in the dark.
But I’m troubled to see the way the monsters from my nightmares attack my son
How what I rejected as my own fate has become his.
How the nightmares that I once would fall asleep to escape from
have become his other home
I wonder if when he’s old enough to decide
if he’ll feel comfortable making that decision on his own
if he’ll understand that his feelings matter too
if he’ll learn that attachment is no reason to ignore the truth
and I hope the monsters stop attacking before he has to choose
I hope the monsters see that they’ve been living in the dark
reaching claws out from under the bed, hoping to catch a spark
only they pull too hard
the rush of wind, the breeze of falling extinguishes the light they seek
You see, my son tells me a demon lives there
fixated on the idea, comes back with dark circles beneath his eyes where
the toxicity has leached inside
when the demon is part of your home, where do you hide?
And when the demon is disguised in public, it’s hard to put up a fight.
When evil calls itself good
When good intentions can still lead to hell
When the light is being smothered, gaslighted, then called bad health
Sometimes we’re so focused on fixing a problem
don’t realize that we’re the cause of the problem
Sometimes we don’t see that what we’re protesting in others
is just the parts of ourselves we keep hidden under covers
I don’t know how to fix the nightmares without destroying the monsters
Don’t know how to destroy one without becoming a monster
So I’ve been letting him live in nightmares a few days a week
Reminding him when he wakes in his demon-free home that his feelings are important to me
Reminding him when he wakes in his demon-free home that it’s still safe to go to sleep
Accepting that I can only show him how to reignite his light
I can’t keep it from being blown out sometimes without it turning into a fight
And I’ve decided to choose peace
Let my own demons sit down for tea
Show them that they’re acknowledged but don’t let them roam free
But when it comes to other people’s demons
you can lead them to a mirror
but it doesn’t mean that you will make them see.
Much love, until next time.
Madeline May I... 