If you ever find this, I think about you often. It always pops into my head the way you told me that you can’t stand when men aren’t “real men”. Years later, I understand. I understand that your toxic masculinity needs to feel justified. I watched as you hyper-fixated on your inability to control yourself and funneled it into affairs and seeing just how much bulk you could pack onto a fifty-year-old frame.
If anything I do is considered praying, I pray for you. And your kids. That maybe you’ll heal the toxicity in yourself before it all falls on them. But I’ve already seen the way it’s rained down, watching you proudly display your storm.
I think of you often. If you ever find this. Know, I hope you heal, I hope you’re happy, and I hope I never know and learn to be okay with it.
Passed On, We’re Passing On
And they were told
that your children
won’t respect you
If you’re their friend
Lies – I’ve found
I respect, more
Any friend more willing to guard their sword
Than drive it through my back
Assuring me, “one day, you’ll thank me for that”
And they were told
that your children
won’t listen
without discipline
You can get someone to do anything
If you hit them hard enough first
and now pain, my only indicator
That I need to move, growing
into angry outbursts
And they believed,
so their actions said,
that children are bad
and need to be managed
Any child I’ve encountered
Has a glowing goodness emanating from their eyes
It’s the sparkle, what lets them puppy-dog them so perfectly
And I’ve seen it beat out of dogs too
Now I watch
A generation of all growl and bite
Greeted at the park, begging for friends,
but everyone’s already been readied to fight
And now we’re just saying anxiety is the generational plight
We’ve been raised on fear,
narrow your eyes, look for enemies near
Learned, if you don’t do what is told
Enemies are made of the people you hold dear
I’ve spent a lot of my life doing what I’m told
Now I’m learning, I’d be better off alone
Than constant contortions, knife held to my throat
Voicebox all wrapped in knots, hoping I’ll choke
But my voice brings a greater bang than any gun
It elicits a greater change, one that won’t need undone
It moves life into zombie bodies, watch them run
It’s the part of the horror they never touched on…
The brain rot, infectious disease, preying on one another just to get in a feed –
It’s all reversible.
Letting, go, the secret is, you need to be ready to bleed
If you feel it all,
Inevitably,
you’ll feel what you need.
And an untangling comes
where naturally you uproot
all of the toxic seeds
And in their place, you will grow forgiveness
They didn’t plant them on purpose
It’s all they had
And they needed to eat
So forgiveness, for yourself, for them,
Lay it on thicker than the anger,
it’s the ultimate healing remedy
Much love, until next time.
Madeline May I... 