I’m ready to stop fading in and out.
I’m ready for my greatest gift to be presence.
I am ready to live, live… live.
Thank you for reminding me of just how beautiful life is.
You will be incredibly missed.
Here’s to the grief that shakes you to the core and the art that is born of it.
Andrea
As I unpack my grief
I think of the day that you reached across the country to help move me
To become a poet instead of a corpse
And the way I tucked your voice into my pocket that day,
Mine to hoarse to speak
After the tears and screams finally clawed their way out of me
And for years now, I’ve been pulling it out daily, like a rosary
Fingering at the beads, whispering pleas to find the courage to allow myself to be seen, to speak
And every moment my pen was broken,
I’d dive head-first into the words you’d spoken, like gospel written just for me
Drown myself in that pocket full of hope until I choke on it and it becomes my own reason to float
Our suits stitched with the common thread that we are never alone
So when I feel like I’m slipping over the edge again,
I take a deep breath
And swim back home,
You
taught me life-preservers are EVERYWHERE, not just in your poems
So I open my eyes and search, like my life depends on it
Because it does
And I find one –
First in a dove, whose heart can beat hundreds of times per minute
And I wonder if mine could, maybe I could send soaring out of me, love
Instead of beating on myself when I’m feeling out of touch
And you.. You are out of this world
And maybe it’s too soon for puns,
But number 2 was the sun
And the way that shedding light can fight the heavy
So I may joke too much, or before anyone’s ready
But I’m just tryin to lighten up, peel back the layers and shed them
So I can see what I’m left with…
And now.. I’m left with life-preservers stacked higher than I can count
A million reasons to be grateful, thankful, even in the moments that one light fades out.
The light ignited by that one flame is still burning bright through the torches passed down
Numbers 3, 4, 5, and 6 are people that still love me even when counts turn to cries and shouts and I’m trapped back in my body, blinded by my own doubt
It was through your words I learned that taking up space is what life is about
So I allow
And, as you’re signing out,
I’m finding it hard to breath,
But I take up space,
Lay beneath the stars,
And allow them to fill me
Then find the courage to bare it all,
Strip myself clean and baptize myself in the puddle of sob at my feet
You may not have been a saint.
But you’ve taught me it’s OK to live wholly,
Allow room for all of me.
So it is with immense gratitude that I can say –
I loved you so hard,
from so far,
that I’ve been struck down by grief
But I can find no greater reason than love
To be brought to your knees
So thank you, for leading me back to me before you found peace.
Much love, until next time.
Madeline May I... 